Applying to Mother Jones’ Social Media Specialist Position

Dear Mother Jones,

It would be impossible for you to fathom the amount of exclaiming I do in any one period of the day. How much is more than infinity? I sit down at my desk in the morning and say “Yowza!” to let everyone know that I have a lot of emails waiting for me. When someone resignedly takes the bait and asks me if I’m okay, I simply say “Damn straight.” In fact, I was one of the first innovators to ever pull the Strandioso Exclamation, whereby I say something with excited emphasis but still use a period. I can see that you to adhere to the same method and I believe that this is but one way we are linguistically made for one another. Like our Facebook profiles could totally bone if they were people. Honestly.

My natural style of speech lends itself very well to your primary social media channel, which I assume is manned by an 80s horror-flick bit character who says one last funny thing before he dies. I, too, have many complex thoughts and writings which I can boil down into one word. If I had to pick, I’d say “pathetic” or “whiny” come to mind for the majority of my musings. But I’m full to my top-hat of things to say that are only one to two words. Here’s some examples:

Holies: Holy moly, Holy Jesus, Holy crackers, Holy guacamole, HoLy ShIt, Holy Shit!!, Holy Shit!!!, Ay de mi.

Frustration: Sigh, Le Sigh, Dammit, Ugh, Seriously?

Anger: What??, How??, Who??, Where??, When??, F*&k!, *RAGING*, Assholes.

More to the point: Look! Hey! Over here, boy! Our consultants told us this is how we get more likes and it’s working you dumb biotches; you’re being tricked into learning about the world mwahahahahahaha!

These are words and phrases that literally just sprang to mind, like, within one minute. Imagine the ways that I could enliven your “Holy shit” and “Holy crap” repetoire if you let me loose with the entirety of the English language. Together, perhaps we could even coin a new term, such as “Bammity Ding Dong” or “Eat Dogs, Sandstorm” … I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here.

If you would like to reach me, please see my Facebook page, where as you’ll notice my collective statii word count since 2006 is only 243, spread among hundreds of posts. In fact I just straight-up used emojis sometimes, forgot to even mention that.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Kel Campbell

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