Entitled Millennials, Bring Your Asses to Texas!
Reasons the Lone Star State should be your lone choice for home.
Look, I know you moved to San Francisco or New York City or Portland because they’re “cool” and “people don’t smoke Marlboro Reds at the Dairy Queen for fun.” But let’s say you’ve done something boldly brave and moronic like publicly shit-talk your CEO and find yourself in need of a new home… I have just the place for you.
Have you ever considered Texas as a place to hang your beanie/wide-brimmed hat? We’re internationally known for our low cost of living! I know, I know, you’re all “You want me to live in the butthole that shat out Ted Cruz and Ethan Couch?” But we’re also the vagina that queefed out Ann Richards and Willie Nelson! Here’s other reasons you might like it here.
- We’ve isolated the cow-shit smell to two distinct regions.
- As a millennial, you’re probably ambivalent about having a child. Well in Texas, we take away the agony of indecision by deciding for you. YOU WILL HAVE A CHILD. We’ve gutted Planned Parenthood like a feminist fish and erased choice… so, congratulations new mother? Please enjoy the zero weeks of maternity leave guaranteed by our great state.
- We are just like California, offering every terrain on Gods green earth. There’s the delightful beaches of Galveston, Texas, where the Whataburger-bag trashed water will remind you of the gunk hidden in your electric toothbrush. Journey over to El Paso, Texas, where the gorgeous mountains will help avert your attention away from the Mexican people so desperate to get into our borders that they very literally risk (and give) their lives to help their families. Head north to West Texas (we’re bad at maps) where you can take a dip in the famous air-dirt, as the apocryphal dust storms make you think “Am I in literal hell?”
- Have you ever even had Texas brisket? I will slap you so hard if you say no.
- If you’re looking for excitement and adventure, what could be more titillating than staring at someone’s dangling gun, precariously hanging from his belt and getting jostled by his chicken-fried belly? It’s a super tense thrill ride that makes you wonder “Which one of these fucking idiots will kill me on accident, assuming one of the other fucking militant assholes doesn’t do it on purpose?”
- It only takes a mere fourteen hours to visit your friends on the other side of the state.
- The winters here are insanely enjoyable and it’s not rare at all to find yourself on a patio in January enjoying a seventy-degree day. Now, in the summers, you’ll find out how it feels to have your organs microwaved and to discover that even your eyeballs and fingernails can sweat. But on the bright side, on the surface of Satan’s scalding taint, you’ll find that summer depression is indeed a thing.
- You’ll be tempted to move to Austin. Don’t make the same mistake twice. You already lived in a techy city that was such a liberal utopia that no one can fucking live there. Same deal in Austin, for different reasons. The only thing that Austinites hate more than deoderant and Dallas is accepting the truth. The entire city has plugged its ears and thought “La la la la la no one is moving here la la la la we don’t need supermarkets or other critical infrastructure la la la.” As a result, you won’t have any highways to drive on or places to live.
- You’ll be tempted to move to Austin. Don’t. A place that used to be low-key has turned into the thirstiest fuckboy of a city you will ever find, outside of Portland. Move to Denton or San Antonio instead.
- I have had zero trouble finding a job in the creative sector that’s allowed me to pay off my massive student loan debt and two cars, and to buy an awesome home that’s 15 minutes from my job. I eat at the finest restaurants, experience a wide variety of high-quality music, theater and visual art, take trips to wherever I please, enjoy job security and a close-knit group of liberal friends, because we all band together here. All that to say, I TOTALLY GET why young people want to move to a city that’s more expensive but won’t, say, strip you of your bodily autonomy if you have a vagina. Don’t let the haters get you down.
- I forgot, there’s a Selena tribute band. Reason enough to get your ass here. Bam.