Unsolicited Resume Writing Tips

Read this, job seekers!

The difference between a well-written resume and a deleted resume is the same difference between an awesome or shitty job at which you spend 40hours a week of your life. This matters, y’all. Write a better resume, today.

1. SHOWING IS TELLING

If you are looking at a job as a designer, it really doesn’t matter which gloriously prestigious design institutions you graduated from. Your work speaks for itself, so start building that kickass portfolio. And put a bit of effort into the design, while you’re at it.

One of life’s greatest mysteries to me are CVs submitted by designers that are written in Times New Roman against a backdrop of misaligned MS Word tables.

In the same vein, copywriters— if you’re gonna showcase your linguistic capabilities, yo master of ze zingerly wordplay, you’ve got to do better than “I am very good with words” or “I have my way with language.”

These statements are just marginally less ironic than someone declaring “I AM THE MOST HUMBLE PERSON EVER! #makeamericagreatagain”

2. SPEILCECKING MATTERS.

At least, proof-read it once so I won’t spit coffee on my Macbook when I read that you enjoy ‘Roland Dahl’ books or ‘Waltz Disney’ films. This reminds me of the time a classmate wrote a whole story on the iconic Italian structure known as the Leaning Tower of..PIZZA. #PizzaisPower

3. COPY PASTA WITH EFFORTA

I kinda understand the use of form-letter pitches when you are sending tonnes of resumes — it’s a law of large numbers thing; been there, done that. Except that when you are emailing kelvin@companyname.com, at least delete ‘Madam’ from “Dear Sir/Madam’ so it doesn’t drive me into a crisis of gender ambiguity.

4. BUZZ FUZZ

Go easy on the following linkedin-ly bizbuzzywords which appear in 90% of all resumes, and thus form what we consider as “clutter.” Team Player? Driven Individual? Passionate in self-development? What does that mean? Who cares?

Write like a human being is reading it, and like a human wrote it — it could be conversational, anecdotal, humorous — whatever helps you rise from the ashes of discarded resumes.

5. CHECK YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA PRIVACY SETTINGS (EASIER LIFE HACK — DON’T BE A DOUCHEBAG)

My preferred way of doing a preliminary round of screening candidates, and I suspect, that of many employers’, is to look at their social media footprint for signs of passive-aggressive tendencies.

Bitched about your boss/colleague/client/uber driver/canteen cleaner? *moves email resume to trash*

Posted racist/bigoted/misogynistic comments? *moves email resume to trash*

Profile pic with a cigar in one hand and a bottle of hard liquor in the other (true story)?

Well, at least I give that you are one ‘spirited’ individual. Hur-hur. *takes screenshot, moves email resume to trash*

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