Cookie Monster Arrested on Federal Dough Smuggling Charges
Popular television star and recovering addict Cookie Monster was taken into custody late Thursday night on federal dough smuggling charges.
Cookie Monster was arrested at LaGuardia Airport in Queens, New York, after allegedly attempting to smuggle 18 pounds worth of cookie dough in his luggage through airport security and on to his commercial flight.
The street value of the dough is estimated to be $270,000.
Special Agents of the Cookie Enforcement Agency (CEA) and the NYPD met Mr. Monster at the airport after being flagged by Transportation Security Agency members. Agents of the TSA became disturbed by Mr. Monster’s profuse sweating and inability to respond to questions coherently.
Mr. Monster kept repeating “Me want cookie,” according to multiple eyewitness statements.
The homemade cookie dough recovered from Mr. Monster’s bag reportedly tested positive for Chiptanyl, a potent, synthetic cookie dough derivative that is responsible for the massive uptick in dough-related overdoses across the country.
A federal judge in New York has set the bail at $580,000.
Close friends of Cookie Monster have been worried for quite some time. “He seemed disgruntled at our recent monthly get-together dinner,” said former colleague and Sesame Street favorite Elmo, “Cook — that’s what we called him on set — kept making nonsensical statements about going South… he was sweating a lot, he seemed nervous.”
The hit documentary television series Sesame Street chronicled the lives and struggles of the residents of Sesame Street in Manhattan, New York. Cookie Monster quickly became a viewer favorite, primarily due to his willingness to combat his dough addiction and record the struggle on television for millions of people worldwide — raising awareness for an illness that was demonized by mainstream society at the time.
Season one, episode four of Sesame Street is where Mr. Monster hit stardom. In the episode titled Old Habits Die Raw, Cookie Monster was caught on camera assaulting fellow colleague Oscar at knife-point. Mr. Monster stole Oscar’s backup aluminum trashcan and sold it for just under a gram of cookie dough. The gruesome images of street life in low-income Manhattan, New York flashed across the screens of millions of Americans. Oscar refused to press charges.
This latest incident involving Mr. Monster is especially troubling, in the words of Sesame Street star Big Bird. “He was doing so well,” said Big Bird, “he had been sober for so long and talked about his dreams and what he wanted to accomplish. He even opened up CARE.”
CARE is the newly-opened rehabilitation program called Cookie Abuse Resistance Education, aimed at helping those struggling with their own crippling dough dependency. The program was opened on November 10, 2016 — the anniversary of Sesame Street’s original release.
The future of the program is in flux currently, but some Sesame Street members hinted at picking up the slack in funding.