My Suicidal Thoughts And Depression While In High School Didn’t Defeat Me

Disclaimer: everyone’s situation is different. If you don’t feel comfortable reading this at any point please stop and close this window/app and seek professional assistance immediately.
Below is a personal account of my experience battling depression and suicidal thoughts during high school and how I’ve taken that experience to propel me forward instead of stopping me. I hope at least one sentence below can be a benefit for anyone going through hard times.
Letting other’s words dictate my self-image
Between the ages of 5–19 I was notoriously known for being a nerd. With this title that was bestowed onto me by my peers, I was often used as a resource for the bigger kids to release their daily frustrations with the world. I was at the butt-end of all jokes, often jumped on my way home, and there was always the occasional girl that I was infatuated with—rejecting me before I even got the chance to say, “Hello.”
In hindsight all of these moments in my life have helped me grow into the person I am today. I’m thankful for the tough skin I’ve developed from the experiences. However, around the age of 17, during my senior year of high school I was deeply contemplating the possibility of suicide as the answer to all of my problems. The combination of years of bullying and constant rejection had begun to swell up — becoming unbearable.
Everyday I was made fun of as part of the high school culture. In retrospect it wasn’t their fault and I’ve taken that in consideration as I’m writing this. I didn’t know how to establish my boundaries with other people—something that I’ve become very apt to bring up as much as possible now (in polite ways of course). Picking on Kenny had simply been the fun thing to do.
I put too much value into what everyone thought about me, the rejections I had from women, and I never spent time thinking about how I valued myself except in those moments in which I failed. This became a habitual mental practice of mine, that one day led to me really planning out how it would happen — how I would say goodbye. I spent months thinking about how to make my death as painless as possible. Considering where I would do it (I didn’t want to be an inconvenience to my family once I committed the act) and who would I give my note to.
Once I finished I realized in that moment that I was more disgusted with myself—for being disgusted with myself due to other people’s people opinion of me.
It was weird for me at the time. I had just spent so much time thinking about what I would leave behind for my family to mitigate their sadness. What to say specifically to my mother… This is when I realized how disappointed I was with myself for having let others get to me and allowing them to have power over my life, that’s when I threw that plan away (with the pain) and started to think about the root causes. And eventually how to get rid of them
Who’s writing your story?
It wasn’t easy transition for me starting out. I didn’t feel comfortable coming forward and speaking to any of my friends nor my family about my feelings. I used my hobbies of playing guitar, video games, and watching anime to help distract me during the day. But I knew I had to really sit down and start having deep conversations with myself if I wouldn’t reach out for help.
“The conversations I had just me-to-me have helped me learn so much about what I value in life and what I think about myself.”
The first revelation that came to me during these conversations was that I was giving my bullies power over. I wasn’t resisting. Even if I couldn’t physically overpower them, I could show them that their negativity didn’t affect me. My second realization was that I was prioritizing the opinions women too much. If someone wasn’t vibing with me—it’s their loss. I still struggle with aspect of my life today but, things are easier to navigate than they were in high school.
I’ve come to the conclusion that so long as I se my own value, that’s all that matters. I am sure that no one will think positively about me if I don’t show them how to do so by example.
Now, I want to express that these conversations took a long time to manifest themselves. I only had started having them near the end of high school and I had to continue having them throughout college. I was still shy but, I slowly became better at making friends with people who respected me and my boundaries. Over time things did get better.
The thought that sticks with me from all of the conversations I’ve had with myself is this:
“Why end my story when I’ve just started to write it?”
I hold onto this thought every single day I feel my negative opinions of myself start to resurface. It’s helped me evaluate my current circumstances. It’s a gut check if you will. Whenever I feel bad about myself and think about the story of my life, I now have a better sense of how to catch the problems that are causing those feelings — and get rid of them (or at least find a way to move forward with them).
But remember, life is bigger than your problems and you’re not alone!
Sometimes you just have to grit your fucking teeth and keep moving forward. A recent event in my life that has further reinforced the idea of not ending my story is recently having to watch my grandparents pass away. If I’m not living for myself, I should at least be living for those who’ve sacrificed for me and for those who love me. It’s the least I can do for not sharing the problems I had during high school. 😅
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We chase happiness from outside ourselves, and that’s not okay. It’s our job not to chase it but to share it. It’s a feedback loop that helps others and mainly — helps you. At least that’s how I’ve adopted to live my life. We all have our own operating systems that we use to navigate the world.
I’m not saying your POV is wrong, just know that if you ever feel that the current challenges you’re going through are too much or insurmountable — you’re not alone, people do love you, and most importantly you have complete control on how you love yourself.
The only other way I can communicate this is by sharing this video:
Ever since I saw this, I try my best to see at least once every three months, if it not annually.
Suicide prevention 24/7 hotline: Call 1–800–273–8255
You can also visit: www.linesforlife.org & https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Thank you for reading this. I’ve decided that one way I can help others is by taking the pain I’ve experienced in the past and use it to add a POV to anyone who’s seeking it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your time and your attention…
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