Me, myself and I… Alone… Am Seeing… the World…
Ode to the lonely traveller.
One of the things I am truly thankful for is not suffering from depression. Yes, I get down, sad and what is known in general terms as being depressed. But I can realise that I am feeling a certain way and do something about it. Phone call to my mom, start a new book or hobby. Got out for a drink. Go to the movies. Invite a friend over for tea. If all above fails I buy myself a sweet treat and watch episode after episode of Raising Hope. It’s a super silly sitcom about a families adventures and love for another while dealing with the real stuff of life like a unexpected baby, dementia, financial difficulties and love. It’s funny and I laugh and I can get myself out of my slump. Easy enough. The feeling pass. It might take an afternoon or whole day. Sometimes even a weekend. Maximum a week! But it passes. So I am thankful I do not have depression as a mental condition due to chemical imbalances in the brain which need medical interventions. The sort of depression you just don’t snap out off. I am just ‘normally’ depressed.
The problem is the last few years, I feel it just a little bit too often. And I know why I feel it too. I am lonely. There is no why around this, I know it. It all comes down to the fact that I get lonely. It’s pretty basic human stuff. LONELINESS. We are social beings. We like to come in pairs. We live in families. It’s natural and expected. But here I am trying to make better choices to make a better life for myself. Far away from family and most of my friends are scattered across the globe. I love to laugh and it’s hard to do that if there is no one to share the joke with! Just me in a city surrounded by people feeling like I am the only person on earth. So if identifying the problem is step one, curing it is step two then step three is stopping it from recurring. I get out of my comfort zone and join social groups. I do not have a lot of money but try my best to live sparingly during the week so I can afford a couple of drinks out in town or a movie with some new friends. But are these people friends? Obviously they are all lonely like you and just want to meet people and you do, you meet lots of people. Some you like, some you don’t. But still most of them are little more than acquaintances. Then that magical thing happen. Your personality just click with someone and you know you are just going to be fast friends! And you are! You hang out with that person and you become closer, sharing secrets and adventures and then time spins by and before you know it life pulls you apart again. Your friend has to move on.. The job contract is over, the course is completed. Or you are heading in a new direction, a new opportunity, a new city and another adventure. You say the sad goodbyes, just like before. You know you’ll see each other again and that you will never forget the times spent together and how much they meant to you! You stay in contact over Skype and other social media, but it’s just another name to add to an ever growing list. And before you know it you are in the exact same position as you were before. The vicious cycle of the expat life, the unstoppable traveller, the seeker of adventure, the nomad.
You have traded in so much of yourself to travel and experience the world. Much more than you ever thought you would. The cost is almost higher than you can pay but then you see something you would have never seen if you stayed. You taste something unexpected. You make a new friend and it all suddenly seems worth it. And you know you can’t go back now anyway. You are different. It has changed you. And you are fine with it. You accept the lonely and boring times. For surely to reach these incredible highs you have to go through some very deep lows. It’s the deal you made and there is true acceptance of the low-side. But secretly deep inside. So deep you can’t even admit it to yourself you wish that the the next friend is more than a friend, but a partner that wants to be by your side all the time. So the next adventure isn't for one, but two and just a little bit easier than before. But until then you face the days that you literally do not speak to a living soul. You conquer your fears of choking to death and still enjoy the meal you made for one. You change the sheets of your bed, more often than requires, because you know you appreciate crawling into those fresh sheets. And you smile it yourself, because you just exclaimed the joy of those clean sheets to the four walls of your bedroom. And that is okay too.
