The Art of Shutting Down

I’m actually not sure when I learned the art of shutting down emotionally, but between a major heartbreak in college and a rough start post-graduation no one warned me about the mid-20s blues.

I mastered the art of shutting down so wonderfully that I wasn’t fully aware of my painstakingly built emotional wall that would rival that of the one in China. I went deeper than the bottomless abyss of my soul and raised higher than the place even my biggest and grandest dreams resided. And yet, I was thriving as a social butterfly on the outside. Able to make and keep new friends, associates, and expand in my network. But somehow, emotionally I was shut down on the inside, far removed from the peace and unable to come from behind that wall and form romantic relationships out of fear.

Who hurt you?

A strange role hurt and regret play, for they play it in the present instead of the past, if you’re not careful. Being hurt, for me, elicits not only a emotional response but a physical one as well. Both of which, I was able to hide from outsiders. Soaking in your own misery creates the motar to hold the bricks of pain, disappointments, letdowns, heartbreaks, and every other emotion that seems to take hold of us by our necks and build walls to “protect” our hearts. And so your transformation to shutting down begins.

But God did not intend for us to be shut out. Our emotional well-being is just as important as our physical, mental and spiritual. Opening up for me was a major spiritual and emotional smack-down. In the midst of trying to cope and rectify one of the most agonizing mistakes I’ve made being human, God found way to knock down that invisible wall and I found myself face-to-face with the ugly, beat down, scared, and long-hidden Kescheler. Facing others? No problem. Facing what stands between you and being open to life? Um, not so much. The person whom I unintentionally hurt with my actions called me out to the point where I was forced to look at my self. Really look. And amazingly, I opened up. Acknowledging that there was still a part of me holding on to past hurts, and it was causing fear to marinate in places love should have been, became the catapult to knocking down those walls. Forgiving those who hurt me as well as forgiving myself for holding on to aftermath and devastation of that pain was therapy in the greatest of forms.

Let it go.

Being open is not some big dramatic transformation, it’s tiny loving steps and reminders that you’re worth it. Life is worth opening up to. Hurt will happen, disappointments will happen… But Love will happen, surprises will happen, life will happen, in the best of ways. And it will all be okay.

Originally appeared here. ☺