Comedy Has Finally Gone Too Far

Let’s get this out of the way: Comedy is an absolutely disgusting medium and anyone who practices or consumes it should be ashamed of themselves.

Great, now we can move on.

Recently, there have been a few Netflix comedy specials causing quite the controversy. Amy Schumer and Dave Chappelle have both been the targets of such criticism for their most recent specials, but one particular work of “comedy” (if anything can truly be called such) needs to be on the record as being the most troubling and disturbing of them all.

I’m speaking, of course, about my independently released, absolutely free to download right now, comedy album, Jokes I Don’t Really Do Anymore.

I hate your face, Kevin. And I am you, Kevin. You hate your own face, Kevin!

This “album” was recorded in 2014 and released two years later after I realized that I’ve basically retired all of the jokes in this set. After re-listening to the album in its entirety, I think “abandoned” or “left for dead” would be a better word than “retired”. The thought of reliving this album again is horrifying, but I will do it. For you. The People.

Let’s break down this abomination, that is totally available to download and listen to for free on my website, track by track.

  1. Introduction by Lord Lorax
    First of all, Kevin has clearly left in this introduction to make himself feel special. The fact that he has his friend and host, Sacha “Lord Lorax” Chavez, introduce him with such a bizarrely endearing and humiliating speech only shows that Kevin does not know how to edit a comedy CD. Almost as if he recorded this on his phone and tried his best. Well guess what, Kevin, your best wasn’t good enough!
  2. Opening Riff
    Right away, Kevin goes off script. Great. My favorite kind of comedy is the off the cuff kind that seems effortless because zero effort was put into it. Kevin makes an awful “joke” about resorting to awful “jokes” that are racial or political in nature in case his prepared material (if he even has any) starts to go poorly. Oh it will, Kevin. It will. Shut up and tell your “jokes”.
  3. Origin Story
    People like to say that if they had a time machine they would go back and kill Hitler. Well, maybe after listening to Kevin’s origin story you’ll use that time machine for something more useful and stop Kevin from ever releasing this testament to what he thought was funny three years ago. Beginning with a controversial take on evolution and ending with a summary of a laughably bad story he wrote as a 6th grader, that is full of embarrassingly stupid puns, this bit is offensive to religion, science, and art all at once. Hey, Kevin, maybe you should ask yourself that opening question again: Why are you doing this?
  4. Gross Roommate
    Absolutely disgusting. At best this is just a shock story about a bottle of urine. At worst it is over two minutes long. Also, Kevin shows how out of touch he is with the working class by disclosing that he pays $800 a month for his New York City apartment. Wow, and you released your album for free on kfcomedy.com/freealbum? What kind of fat cat pays that much in rent without having a passive income stream? You are the worst kind of 1%, Kevin!
  5. Jokes About Getting Married and Having Kids
    Kevin begins this chunk of “material” by joking about the sanctity of marriage and making light of the abomination that is divorce. Then he moves into a “quip” about wanting to become an uncle instead of a dad. Finally he wraps up this track by judging parents who bring their baby to a movie theater. Let’s get one thing straight, we are all obligated to procreate. Period. It is the lifeblood of capitalism, the very economic system that keeps America afloat which is undermined by the release of this free album.
  6. Children’s Books
    Hey, jackass, how about a “spoiler alert” before you ruin some of the most beloved stories in all of children’s literature. Kevin has the audacity to compare himself to Ferdinand the Bull because he was such an unathletic child. Excuse me, sir, but I know Ferdinand the Bull. Ferdinand the Bull is a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Ferdinand the Bull.
  7. The Kentucky Derby
    What a tone deaf rant. Personifying the horses that are abused for our entertainment is not funny. Making light of such a thing should not be encouraged or applauded. Also, how dare you make a “joke” about the athletes at Duke University. Those athletes don’t get paid for playing, and this is a serious problem with college sports. Kevin opens this “joke” with “I’m not a sports fan” and, yeah, we can tell.
  8. Progressive Heckler Takedown
    Let’s make one thing perfectly clear. Hecklers exist to make the show better. Period. Their contribution to the show always enhances the comedic experience. Do not ever take them down, because they are usually funnier than you are. They are heroes, akin to the soldiers fighting for your freedom right now. If you take down a heckler, you might as well take down the US military. This man was only trying to show you love, Kevin, and you couldn’t let love into your heart. You’re not progressive. You’re afraid. You, sir, are a coward.
  9. Violent Video Games
    Really, Kevin, you were a creepy kid in high school? Yeah, we can see it. Making light of school shootings is insensitive, even when done on a free album that you can download right now on kfcomedy.com/freealbum. What really rubs me the wrong way about this “joke”? Great question. Is it the joking about Columbine? No. It’s the puns. Stop with the puns, Kevin. Stop it. Just stop it. This free album is riddled with puns and you know what, I can see why you released it for free. You get what you pay for.
  10. Science Fiction Jokes
    I hope that the robots take over soon and destroy you, Kevin. This pseudo-social commentary is painful to listen to. You’re going to take down eReaders like the Nook or Kindle? Guess what! eReaders are helping more people become well read human beings. Why do you hate literacy, Kevin? Why are you the enemy of knowledge?
  11. The Boys From Brazil
    Oh great, a clever “joke” about Nazis. Yeah that’s never been done before. You got bits about Hitler? In a comedy show??? Oh, do go on! You act like you oppose the Nazis, but you sure do get a lot of laughs talking about them. Where do you draw the line, Kevin? You’re basically a war profiteer, but not even a good one because you released this album for free on your website, kfcomedy.com/freealbum, so you didn’t even make any money off of this. And how dare you “joke” about the late, great Prince two years before he died. Also, puns? More puns? Ughhhhhhhhh you’re the woooooorst!!!!
  12. Mandatory Fun Day
    Oh, wonderful. You got a big applause on your terrible Nazi pun “joke” and still decided to keep talking. Get out while you’re on top, Kevin! How dare you poke fun at the sacred building of the office! The office is the home away from home! For most Americans it is the source of fulfillment and income that allows them to provide for their families and contribute to the economy. Why do you hate America, Kevin? Why do you hate the working class? You hate capitalism so much that you released a free album on your website, and that is simply un-American. Shame on you, Kevin. You’re a fascist in sheep’s clothing, and you don’t even wear the disguise well. It is an ill fitting costume, and you know it! Also…wow, there’s a hidden bonus track on here? That’s a pretty good value for a free album that you can download now on kfcomedy.com/freealbum.

In conclusion: Comedy is dead. Good riddance. America.