I Am Available For College Commencement Speeches

Good morning.

Let’s try that again. GOOD MORNING!

That’s more like it!

Students. Faculty. Parents. It is truly an honor to be with you on such a beautiful day here at [school name]!

What you have done today is no small feat! You should all feel extreme pride for the work you have put into getting your degree. That being said, if you learn nothing else from me today, I want you to remember that your degree does not symbolize the end of something, it is a ticket to a new beginning. A new chapter of your life is about to unfold, and you are the author. What will your story be?

Allow me to give you the cliffnotes on the book of your future.

Nursing students? Education majors? Where are you? You have chosen a noble path for your life, and you will remind friends and family every chance you get that you are better than them. Enjoy your smug sense of satisfaction.

Engineering students? Most of you will work for some tech company that makes a totally useless app. You will help create a subpar product and then cash out when it goes public. You are the modern day train robbers and you don’t even realize it.

Where are the business majors? Look at those faces. So young, so innocent. It’s hard to believe that a year from now you’ll all be willing to sell your own mother if it means increasing your assets. You are freed from the confines of the education system, sure, but you are soon to be slaves to the dollar. Remember, you chose this. When you were a 17 year old high schooler, and a guidance counselor asked you what you wanted to be. You chose this. You will likely be reminded of this when you are visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve.

Hospitality Management? You will spend your lives catering to the assholes in business and engineering. You will hate them, and yet you will do it with a smile on your face. This is the life you have chosen. Servitude to the millionaire class. You foolishly followed a passion for cooking or hotel management. Lesson one: Never follow your passions.

That goes for everyone here! Never, ever follow your passions. If you’re not making money at something, it isn’t worth your time. Dreams don’t pay the bills! If you ever think you can balance passion and work, you’re wrong. Your boss will find out about the thing you love, and they will make your life miserable for it. Your job is to work. Work, and die. You are like a grapefruit. Right now you are a sweet, juicy fruit with potential, but in 40 years you will be dried up and useless and the world will cast you aside to make room for riper fruit. It’s a vicious cycle that we refuse to stop.

Now, finally, where are my liberal arts majors? Dear god, why are you the biggest group here?! What are you doing?! What is your plan??? Who allowed this?!?!?!?!? No, seriously, where are the academic advisers for the liberal arts department? Look at what you’ve done! LOOK AT IT! How could you do this to them? They’re children! CHILDREN! Philosophy? History? What did I just say about following your passions! It is a fools game! If you’re lucky you can get an entry level job at some startup formed by the business and engineering majors.

Well, it appears that most of the room is either gone or crying, so I’ll wrap this up. Thank you all for having me, congratulations on earning your degrees of various levels of usefulness, and I’ll see many of you in 1–4 years after you complete a graduate degree hoping it will make your undergrad student loan debt magically go away.

Guess what, it doesn’t go away. It only gets worse. You’re trapped under a boulder of your own design. Forever.

Go, [mascot name]!

Kevin Froleiks is a New York based comedian. Follow him on twitter or check out his website to find out where he’s performing next. His comedy album, Jokes I Don’t Really Do Anymore, is available for free on his website as well. You can also check out his podcast, We Wrote A Musical, on iTunes, and see his new musical comedy, Great Frontier: A Poorly Researched Musical About Lewis And Clark, at the 2017 NY Theatre Festival’s Summerfest.