Which Third Party Candidate Is Right For Me?

“Vote your conscience.” — Ted Cruz, US Senator and marionette that recently became a real boy

At this point, I think it’s safe to say that 2016 will go down in history as one of the most interesting election years in United States history.

This year marks the first time ever that a woman has won the nomination of a major political party. Regardless of how you feel about Hillary Clinton’s policies, this is incredible!

This year will also be remembered as the year Donald Trump hijacked the Republican Party and gave a voice to conservatives nationwide. Except of course for Mexican conservatives. Or Muslims. Or people of color in general. Also, he and Mike Pence are not really speaking on behalf of women but I digress.

The point is that you might be frustrated with the nominees of both major parties. You probably think America is stuck in a South Park election, where we’re forced to choose between A Turd Sandwich and a Giant Douche.

But here’s the thing…

You have another option! You can always vote for a Third Party!

Yes, in America we have the privilege of voting for anyone or any party we want. If you don’t like the values of the Republican or Democratic parties, then you are absolutely within your rights to vote for a Third Party, regardless of what the naysayers may say.

Now comes the tricky part. Which party is right for you? To help you answer this question, let’s take a look at some of the more popular Third Party candidates.

1. Gary Johnson

Gary Johnson is the Libertarian Party’s presidential nominee. The Libertarian Party seeks limited government and freedom for all individuals.

Pros: Keep the government from meddling in your everyday affairs and encourage people to pull up their boot straps and paddle their own canoe.

Cons: Limiting federal power and giving more power to the individual states would mean potentially losing a lot of social programs that do a lot of public good.

2. Jill Stein

Jill Stein is the presumptive nominee for the Green Party. The basic principals of the Green Party are Grassroots Campaigning and social and environmental justice.

Pros: The Green Party refuses to accept donations from corporations or PAC’s.

Cons: Very weak on Foreign Policy. Focusing solely on diplomacy could weaken America’s defense and open us up to attack.

3. Santa Claus

Santa Claus is the presidential nominee for the Christmas Party. The Christmas Party is all about unwinding after a tough Q4, drinking way too much, and telling your boss how you really feel.

Pros: We’ll finally have a Commander in Chief that understands that we want presents all day everyday.

Cons: Santa Claus was very much pro-segregation as we discovered in the famous court case, Rudolph v. All Of The Other Reindeer, until one particularly foggy Christmas Eve forced him to flip-flop on this position.

4. A Dog With People Hands

A Dog With People Hands is simultaneously one of the most adorable and most unsettling things given to us by Sesame Street. They do not belong to a formal political party, but I think they should start one because nobody messes with A Dog With People Hands.

Pros: You’ll have a lot of good laughs watching A Dog With People Hands sign bills into law or fishing at Camp David.

Cons: Nightmares. All the time. Forever.

5. Sernie Banders

This young, new hotshot just emerged on the political scene with some radical ideas. Sernie Banders is a Democratic Socialist and is definitely not Bernie Sanders wearing a fake mustache, although many people think this due to his catchy campaign slogan, “Feel the Sern!”

Pros: Take this country back from the 1% and let the lobbyists and corporate interests know that America belongs to the people.

Cons: Facial hair is gross. That’s why we haven’t had a president with facial hair since Taft.

Kevin Froleiks is a New York based comedian. Follow him on twitter or check out his website to find out where he’s performing next. His comedy album, Jokes I Don’t Really Do Anymore, is available for free on his website as well. You can also check out his podcast, We Wrote A Musical, on iTunes.