Last Words…An Adieu
I was a bit shaky since morning. I was up early than usual and wanted to feel the morning sun. I grabbed myself in my arms while the sun rose through the orange sky. Something was paining inside me. I had a memory in my head, a face that appeared smudged with doubts. I quickly ran downstairs before there was a flood in my eyes wet. I knew, I would smile with my family and they wouldn’t even know how fake it is.
I sat in front of the open cupboard, wondering what to wear. Not the usual girl thing to look best, I just didn’t know if I should still dress up like he liked. There were some favorite colors I always loved to wear because he liked. I quickly flushed away those thoughts of the past & grabbed a simple shirt & jeans to wear (how does it matter anyway!)
I checked myself for one last time before I left home. I hoped my swollen eyes said no untold stories. I was at the station 10 minutes early. All the time on my way, I had my headphones at the highest volume in my ears so that I could not hear myself crying inside.
There he was, standing, restless as always. I could never get this chance to ask him why he was so restless every time he reached before me. Was it because he waited for me? Or longed to see me? (Of course there could be other reasons that at the moment I couldn’t think of)I walked slowly as if by doing so, I could slow time. He hadn’t seen me yet. I wanted to go and hug him like always. But something held me back. I walked up to him and called his name. He turned. Our eyes met for seconds and I looked down. He said “hi” & I asked him to find some place to sit (still looking down). We walked up to a nearby cafe. The cafe smelled of coffee. I never liked this smell. Though my focus today was not liking the reason for meeting lest the smell of the coffee. I saw a couple that were teasing each other like we used to do. I moved past them not knowing where I was going when I later realized he was not there ahead me! I looked back and saw him pointing to a table at one far end. (I again moved my eyes away in a second)
I sat down opposite him as I always used to so that I could look at him all the time. My train of my thoughts quickly came to a halt as he spoke. He was asking me how I was. I did not know what to say “I am already dead, can’t you see?”, “Will u stay if I say I am not fine without you?” I simply said “I am okay”. He continued to look at me. I knew this even with my eyes down. “I won’t get this opportunity again. And I don’t know when I will be back. I don’t want you to keep crying here for me. See you have a bright future”, he said. My bright future fell from my hands some days back. You took it from me. I thought but didn’t say a word. He was going away forever. Maybe he was happy. But I was dying. I knew that.
“You can fulfill your dreams and create a future for yourself. Please understand I have no plans to marry another 7–8 years”. I said “hmm”. I wanted to burst. No, not show how weak I was rather I had gathered so much pain inside me that I wanted to burst. My hands were in my lap and I was piercing them with my nails. I felt no pain. I had enough in my heart.
At that very moment, I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, to tell him that my life would be stagnant without him. There is a difference between ‘breathing’ & ‘living’. I lived with him, each moment. Right now I was merely breathing. Even that was difficult. Something kept choking my breath. He leaned forward realizing I was about to cry and said “I am sorry. I could not give you what you wanted”. I looked up. I did not know whether I had tears. I saw his eyes. I created a world in those very eyes in front of me. That world was fading away and I could do nothing. I hated myself for being so helpless. I spoke as I wiped my tears. “For me love was my life, my reason to live. Not because I don’t have anything else to think of but because nothing else made my life so beautiful. I wish you good luck for your life and hope you don’t regret it”. With that I stood up to leave. He held my hand & told me to sit. I noticed something on my hand & looked up immediately. There I saw those eyes in tears. I thought I would submerge. I held his face in my hands. I wanted to kiss him right there. All he said was sorry. I shouted inside and pleaded for him not to go. Only that it didn’t come out as words. I caressed his hand for some time. I needed the same that time. But my need would make this tougher for me. “Go away happily. I wish you achieve what you want”. A sudden memory flashed in my mind. We had a terrible fight once. I had shouted at him and told him to go away from me forever. I didn’t need him and all the things you say when you are really pissed off that too because of the person you love the most. I had left him standing at the metro station. A little later I received a text. “l promise to go away forever if that will make you happy, but please take care of my heart and make sure that it doesn’t stops beating without you.”
It was a different he and a different me today. It was time to go. The longer I stayed the harder it got with each passing moment. I gave him a fake smile. I don’t know if he took it for real but he managed to smile back. It was the same station, crowd going in & out. I saw a bunch of students with books in their hands, people with baggage, a pregnant lady, an elderly men looking for directions. I noticed everything I could except him. All was same outside. It was inside me that something ended. I wanted to shake hands before leaving but his touch; the first time he had touched me. The sensation of love shook me from tip to toe. I was all his even before that touch. He had already touched my soul with his eyes. I checked the time. Hardly an hour had passed by. I turned to say bye to the love of my life. “Bye. Be happy always”, I managed to say. He said “I wish you stay happy too”. At least he knew that it was a difficult task for me. I gestured to leave while I saw him raising his hands for a handshake. I ignored and walked away.
I walked fast. I wanted to run actually, to hide somewhere, where no one could see me. I boarded the metro as it came and stood close to the gate. I didn’t want to move. I was afraid I would break into pieces. Inside me, my heart was already broken in millions of pieces, each of which was bleeding. I felt a pain rising in my chest. I felt rotted. I did not know how much my facial expressions revealed. I didn’t want any attention from people around so I looked out. The world moved like always. Birds flew in the sky. People chatted with each other. But I was still. I couldn’t say anything. I wanted someone to shake me and tell me I was still alive. I reached my station. I got down. I walked slowly. I literally dragged myself. I reached home.
“Yes mom I had food. All friends are fine too. I want to sleep. I feel so tired.” I told my mother as she asked me why I looked so pale. I went to my room. I closed the door. I did not cry. I wanted to sleep peacefully. I felt something dragging me away. I had difficulty in breathing. I closed my eyes while a silent cry came out of my mouth. I took his name and closed my eyes. All I knew was my heart was still beating. It was just no more of me left. He took it away with him, in him…
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