How to write a Product Hunt “exposé” for fun and profit

Glasshole Kitty is bored by your machinations.

Start with a mystery

…and it’s easier to have a mystery when you don’t Google something. Because it’s pretty simple to find countless blog posts on how to succeed on Product Hunt. So don’t Google Product Hunt before you write your exposé, or even before you post that product you “devoted countless hours” to, that way you’ll know less and “uncover” more.

Thicken the plot

Every mystery is better with a shady antagonist. So you know what? Villify Product Hunt’s team! Suggest that they lack transparency, that they’re inconsistent, that they show favoritism… and ignore that these are common complaints about every company. Use terms like “undocumented,” “internal lists,” and “insiders” to make normal stuff seem sinister and dark.

What Product Hunt isn’t telling you (because everyone already knows)

1. Bring up “The Blacklist” (a fictional repository that doesn’t exist to the point that you’ll later have to retract it in an “update”)

2. State that some products go straight to the front page! Gasp!

3. Then, that these products are posted by people who have been granted unfettered access to the front page! Double gasp!

4. And that product teams go out of their way to find these people and ask them to post! How dastardly! A triple gasp!

Oh, don’t forget to bring up Silicon Valley’s penchant for overlooking privilege! Be sure to mention wealth, power, and status, even though they’re not relevant in this free, international, open-through-invite community.

5. Then point out some products never make it to the front page! I’m gasping so much I’m hyperventilating!

Yes, some good products get missed. But ignore that the reason for this is usually some defect either in product, marketing, or the amount of time the team has to peruse the offering, and instead suggest that it’s a grand conspiracy. (Gloss over what the team is conspiring toward, because a logic-check will reveal that there is absolutely no benefit and quite a lot of detriment to missing good, new products.)

6. Finally: say that making friends with Product Hunt community members will help you succeed on Product Hunt.

State this fact as if you are a genius, and no one will call you on the bigger fact that it is obvious.

Why bother writing an exposé

Product Hunt is so hot right now. Why not piggy-back on its fame by writing a vitriolic post? You have even more reason to do so if you feel burned that your product flopped on the site, and are ignoring that it’s due to your lack of Googling Product Hunt.

So what?

Well, if you haven’t gotten enough of a boost by writing an exposé, you could always WRITE YOURSELF A FICTIONAL APOLOGY LETTER BY SOMEONE THAT IS *NOT RYAN HOOVER* IN WHAT MIGHT BE THIS YEAR’S CREEPIEST MEDIUM POST. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Call to Action

If you think this parody is relevant, or like me, you squirmed with discomfort reading the original, click the little heart below. Also, feel free to respond. I’ll favorite every response (without excessive profanity) so that it has a chance to be read, whether you think I’m witty or dumber than a sack of hair. (I think that’s only fair.)

Why did I write this?

I just wanted to stick up for a community that I’ve grown to love.

(Also, if you’re a member of the Product Hunt community, vote Mubs for Maker of the Year!)

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