I can tell you right now how to spot the signs that I’m not ok

Thursday 12 September is “R U OK?Day”, a national day of action and a reminder that every day is the right day to meaningfully connect with those around us and ask a question that could change a life, “Are you OK?”

This year R U OK? is urging all Australians to Trust the Signs, Trust your Gut and Ask, “Are you OK?” to support anyone who is struggling with life’s ups and downs.

They released some research recently that found:

• 63% of people are not confident they know the signs that someone might be struggling with life.
• Of those surveyed, 41% hadn’t asked someone if they were OK because they weren’t sure they knew the signs.
• Almost half (49%) believe they’d be more confident starting a conversation if they knew the signs.

So, here’s what I get from those numbers.

I know that my friends and family are there for me and would start a conversation about how I’m doing if they saw signs I was struggling.

But, if nearly two thirds of people surveyed aren’t confident that they know the signs that someone might be struggling, what if the people around me don’t know my signs?

As human beings the beauty and frustration each of us presents to the world and our loved ones is the fact that we are individuals. It makes sense that it’s sometimes hard to see the signs when we are so different. A subtle change in your behaviour when you’re struggling may be totally different to what happens to me when I’m down.

So I’m going to make it easy for those around me. I’m going to tell you two things.

First, I’m going to tell you what my typical ‘signs’ are that you could look out for that are probably a good indication that I’m not at my best. But I’ll go one step further than that, I’ll also tell you what you could say to me to draw out what is often a reluctant admission that I’m not doing well.

When I’m struggling some of the signs you might see around me include:

• I go a bit quiet and probably don’t message or call you as much as I usually would (my social media activity slows down too which should be pretty easy to notice for those familiar with my usual high levels of activity!)
• I might cancel social plans with you at the last minute
• I love a drink but I’m probably drinking a little too much
• I’m definitely not eating well
• And exercise is practically non-existent.

Ok if I’m honest regular exercise is a continuous battle for me but it’s on the list regardless!

So, if you’re my mate and you’ve spotted those signs, what works for me next?

It may not be for everyone, but I need to be asked straight up. Don’t bother dancing around, just ask R U OK?

And look, I’ll probably say yes, I am OK in answer to that question the first time but if your gut says I’m not OK and you’ve seen some of those cues, I give you permission to push a little more.

A helpful way to do that is to call me out on some of those signs,

“I’ve noticed that you’ve gone a bit quiet lately, I don’t think you are OK? What’s going on?”

If I still resist opening up, you might need to get creative.

Think about texting me to say you’re going to pop in for a visit on your way home from work. Invite me to see a movie. It’s a really great way to encourage chats before and after without me feeling like you’re interrogating me.

The same goes with a country drive or beach walk. Sometimes I find it easier to talk about what’s going on when I’m not looking at you across the dinner table. However, when we’re sitting next to each other in the car or walking side by side, it’s somehow a much more comfortable place to get talking about how I’m feeling.

So that’s just a brief insight into my head and how I act when I’m not doing well. It’s not rocket science is it? And it was pretty easy for me to write because right now I’m in a good place mentally.

But it is different for everyone, and those signs can be difficult to acknowledge and articulate when you’re not at your best.

So what are the cues you give to your friends and family when you’re not doing well?

How can they spot the signs when you’re struggling?

Why not tell them today just in case you can’t find the words tomorrow.

R U OK? is encouraging all Australians to learn the signs, download a practical toolkit and have regular meaningful conversations across their communities. More information on how to get involved can be found at ruok.org.au

For support at any time of the day or night, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.