My Normal

Kim
Kim
Jul 24, 2017 · 3 min read

Living with Bipolar is like having two absolutely different people inside of you. One of whom is overtly emotional, suicidal and depressed while the other one is a happy-go-lucky extrovert who loves talking to new people and is shamelessly herself. It’s crazy. Crazy because it’s not me. Crazy because it is me. Crazy because nothing seems to make sense anymore. Nothing seems to be pleasurable anymore. I can be reckless during mania, and an absolute mess during depression. The highs and lows like the boom and troughs make me feel I’ve lost it. I can’t concentrate on anything. I forget sentences while speaking them. It’s so hard trying to be normal. I am so crazy. Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath, mental, out of my brain, batshit, go insane. CRAAZYY (My fav. song)

I want to try something reckless, something life-threatening, something, just anything that makes me feel alive. I feel so numb. There’s no in-between. I either feel everything or nothing at all. I either rule the world or toil in the depths of my despair. Do I deserve it? Do I really deserve it? I wish I was dead. The war inside my head won’t let me do anything. Won’t let me breath, live, survive, exist, love. Love- ah! Almost like the faint sound of the cardiac machine that goes flat when you’re dead. It’s so much like that. The idea of being dead is so romantic. The thoughts cloud my brain and the fuzzy feeling is over-taking the better of me. I am always over-thinking. Maybe because I am more intelligent. Could there be a pill? A pill that takes this all away?

That makes me normal but then, what is normal? What is normal anymore? My relationships? My personal life? My workspace? Who decides what is normal? Is it too abnormal if I can’t get the image of slitting my wrists, out of my head? Isn’t that normal if it stays in my mind all the time. Like a constantly blinking ‘exit’ sign? Why do I have to keep fighting with myself? What if one day I lose?

I don’t want to get out of bed. The lights irritate my eyes. Maybe this is what vampires are like. I want to stay locked up in a dingy cell, alone, and not see people. Not go out. And then, the other side takes over, it’s calming. It will jump off the balcony if I get locked up. Why do I always fall for the wrong guy? Why am I not worth loving? Even after all that I have done for them, I am still not good enough. Is this ever going to change? Like ever?

Maybe I should listen to the exit sign and just go. What is happening to me? I am okay. I am fine. Yea. That’s my story — ‘I’m fine’. So, when they ask me if I’m okay, I will smile and say, “Great, I am fine, thanks” and show like I mean it. Maybe I have to live with it. With my dark and bright side. Together. With this war in my head. Maybe this is the story I won’t tell no one. Maybe this is how it needs to be and maybe this is my normal.

My Normal.

Kim

Written by

Kim

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