The Dangers of Rocks Who Go Numb

Kimberly Brazwell
Aug 8, 2017 · 3 min read

As a child, I was incredibly sensitive. I was your quintessential crybaby. Friends, family members, acquaintances, and, really, anyone for that matter, could break my heart with virtually no effort at all. The problem with my fragile nature was that I grew up in environments where broken hearts were fairly common. Moreover, the severity of breakage was far and wide. Because of the sense of urgency and toxicity around me, it was much easier to notice and respond to the hurt hearts of people with more serious injuries than the fracture of hypersensitivity.

Because I was intelligent, dependable, and a great actress at being pleasant, others often relied on me to be functional so there’d be one less dysfunctional person in the room. I was rewarded for having a “can-do” attitude. For not complaining. For having grit. For my “put your head down and get ‘er done” work ethic. I gained respect for being strong, but I lost authentic permission to express negative emotions. Well, I suppose I was allowed to be sad or angry or frightened, but not in a way that required others to have to put down their sadness, anger, or fright to take care of me.

As a rock, what I quickly learned was that it was more helpful to others that I be “normal”. To pretend to be normal, I had to numb my emotions. Shut off my feelings. Put the dark, twisty shadow side of my personality in a safe deposit box. I became an expert at ‘checking out’ at the onset of any feelings of vulnerability. Nowadays, clinicians might refer to this as dissociation. If all the other feelings in the room were at a fever pitch, it was a signal for me to turn off my feelings and attend to the needs of the room.

Numbing is a very dangerous pattern that I suspect many rocks fall into sooner or later. We prioritize others’ emotions and pains over our own. And, if we master this function, we eventually learn how to not feel any emotion at all.

“The colder rocks become on an internal emotional level, the better and the stronger a rock we are perceived to be for others.”

The problem with not feeling is, once you go numb, you neither feel negative or positive emotions. Rocks are hard, no matter what. But what about the times when others need rocks to be soft? We can’t be. We have been trained not to be soft.

Here’s the deeper question: what about the times when rocks need others to be soft for us? What about the times when rocks need to be soft to and for ourselves?

I am really hopeful and prayerful that 2017 will be my very first year to extend a little grace, mercy, compassion, and softness to myself when I feel I’m being a little harder than is necessary. The truth is, I don’t want to be numb anymore. While I know that means I will have access to negative emotions, I’d rather take a little pain to get a little pleasure instead of having no access to love or hate.

From the “Resting Rock” Blog.

Kimberly Brazwell

Written by

Kimberly is an activist, consultant with special interest in trauma-informed approaches to human engagement and author of the book, Browning Pleasantville.

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