Stephanie one of the things that struck me about this post was your photo of the arrangement you keep for your son. I took this of mine for you. We bereaved mothers share so much, I hope you are finding others who have been just where you are.
My arrangement includes my daughter’s ashes, in a box decorated with dragonflies, another two dragonflies (I had the parable waterbugs an dragonflies read at her funeral), the casts of her hands I had made after she died, the balloons from the second Christmas without her, decorations from the birthday cakes I have made her for the last two years, an angel her best friend gave me for the first Christmas without her, a little eiffel tower from the trip I took alone to Paris that should have included her.
I’m sure your arrangement will keep growing and changing too, because your son will always be a part of you.