Roslyn Talusan, this was very disturbing to read. You called your attacker your best friend the entire time. Personally, I still think you may be in the shock/denial phase of healing. One of the worst parts you kind of greyed out was actually talking to someone about this when it happened. But I certainly understand the concept of being ashamed about it.
That is what really hurts in rape situations. Your body heals but your heart and mind are never quite the same. The real shame is, you could have gotten over this faster or avoided it altogether by instinctually tuning in to your “best friend’s” habits, character, and actions way before the intimacy started. They can be subtle, but all rapists have an air about them, some kind of hint. Too nice, too close, ect. There is always a warning way before the warning.
It sucks also that you could have been with someone else or even alone enjoying your body freely. That is so much time gone. Funny thing too, I’m sure this fucktard probably thinks he is the victim in this situation.