this article is written in English partly because I found the English speaking test just suck, and that I am going to talk about something close related to my feelings.
Or in the Psydoc format convention that has been kept for so long, I am going to write, “for psy-sec purposes, within any of the statements below, no native language use is allowed.”
Moreover, please be kindly noted that in this post, hardly anything is related to the title.
I didn’t plan to write this article before I found this nearly empty classroom, where I was used to be, and grabbed all the calculus paper from my bag, put them on the table and started writing. However, nearly nothing was written within the ongoing 45 minutes.
So I got the iPad out of the bag. This is something like a routine when I feel myself not in condition: to get something written.
I used to like math. Or at least I think so.
All I can harvest from math is simply the joy of overcoming a challenge. In the moment I am typing on my keyboard, I can’t think of anything else I can get from it.
All I can harvest from problem solving is nothing but the feeling of achievements. There are seldom ways to convince myself that you have achieved something. Engineering is just one of the fields.
All the programming stuff, I wasn’t doing that well, I just have to worry about all the trivial details and build it myself. I think anyone with some fundaments in programming can do this, but they just have something else to focus on. Nevertheless, there’s one thing I can’t deny: I don’t know about any drinks or medicine that works like programming, not even a venti brewed coffee or Red Bull or something like that, not even Zoloft, that works like a real stimulants that moves me forward to the work.
It must be acceptable to say a thousand words about what a bad programmer I am, but I can never deny the fact that it is the only thing that brings me energy. And all the others, they just consumes, and they are the things that consumes so badly that all what I was doing for years was to endure, instead of seeking a way out.
This is the last thing I would like to talk about. Though I consider myself quite a normal guy, just a little bit more stupid, it has been suggesting for so long that something is not in the right way.
However, something has been there for too long that I can never overlook the huge gap of “development” in my life. It is something that stops me from taking the step, something that tangles me from making the correct decisions, something that …
Something that comes and stays, and everything I value just turned away.
It was until then I feel all the helplessness, all the desperation and weakness. How come it be? How come I live for “dieciocho años”, yet only struggles to end the endurance.
When I was typing the words out, I started to feel cold. Something like electrical current just flowed by and brought over the feeling of exhaustion, just like my heart has been too tired for bumping once more.
James and JmPotato
Finishing an Medium article talking about how boot camps (the training camps for non-technicals into coders) does not help, I went to Telegram after 2 weeks, to check out the James Here channel.
I started to know (one-way instead of both) this guy in one particular summer in my senior high. It was so boring and exhausting. I was fighting alone for a project that didn’t appear to show any significance to me, and was too difficult to finish. I admitted that I learned a lot, but I never want this again, simply because I don’t want to endure the loss and pain of a specific mindset (or in the psydoc convention, “psychological feature”).
It was when I first encountered sspai, a website completely focusing on iOS and Mac productivity then. It brought to me some new thoughts about how I can get things organized, to make myself less messy, and woefully, misled me to the merchandising of endless anxiety.
There were two authors on sspai that I put my spotlight on: James Hopbourn (his username was Reagon then) and someone else called JmPotato (probably I’ll talk about him in my following posts). They are both the same age as I am, but they are achieving a lot more than I do.
It was such a narrow space I owned in those years, that I can hardly think of anyone that counts as an idol. James had everything I hoped for, the shared interests, the competency in these interests. And most importantly, the mindset that I had never had, and had never imagined I could have had. Look at them, what winners of life just look like. Born in a not bad family, care-free life from childhood, top-graders at school, how thoughtful they are in their tweets and articles, how competence they are in the world of computers. And they’d got time to write on this website, their stories picked by the editor to be featured on the index page, and they even have interviews for them, about “what apps you’ve got on your iPhones”.
And the most painstaking thing is that, neither of them had to face what I have faced, and thus never lacked what I lacked. Although then I had little conception about what I was encountering, I knew there was something I need to encounter, for a damn long run.
In the psydoc convention again I am going to describe what comes up to me, while typing these words down, in a lengthy rhetoric way:
the project struggles to maintain the psychological stability of self-recognition by mirroring the self (TK: another word?) into similar individuals with sympathizable non-psychological features, or resumptively, idolizing particular images as an intuitive attempt to stabilize the psychological context with caused turbulence, which proves to be a natural psychological process for various reporting individuals, and in vain.
I have to turn over the tone. I know even Zoloft cannot help if I continue to be like this.
All what you have done is just writing about the memories that haunt, that hold their holder back. And what you have just done is just give yourself a moment to breath and to release the tension that accumulates for days.
And the right thing to do is even simpler. Get some water and get some rest as well. Probably check the fifth floor again. Maybe you’ll still love to skate tonight. Even if not, don’t worry, you’ll find it. You can’t leave your skateboard anywhere else. It’s just inside the building.
I am pretty sure you’ll get yourself better after the relaxation.