I remain committed to the lonely life

Sitting at my kitchen table, hands on my laptop’s keyboard, I broke down— it all hit me too quickly. I didn’t have time to prepare and steel myself for the onslaught of emotions. Tears poured down my face and my hands pressed into my eyes to stop the flow. I was full-blown ugly crying.

Loneliness had just swelled up and over me like a monstrous wave. I was instantly pulled under and pinned—unable to resurface to breathe. The murky depths of this emotion were overwhelming and I quickly lost myself in its vastness.

The intensity of the guilt associated with living far away from family has nothing to do with living abroad. I have felt this way numerous times throughout my life—all while living in the US—completely isolated and unable to change anything. Fortunately for me, I know that this is a fleeting emotion — only temporary — just survive this wave and resurface again.

Breathe. Just breathe.

As an adult, I chose the lonely life. I chose to live somewhere other than next-door to my parents. I chose to build my life in another state, then in another country. I chose all of this. Loneliness is a consequence of my choices. I am lucky to have the freedom to have chosen such things. The thrill of wandering comes at a price and that debt must be paid. Today, it was paid in tears as I remain committed to the lonely life.

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