Dear Sarah — I’d suggest not worrying too much about armchair psychologists (including me) have to say about what you are going through. First, words, even carefully chosen words, can bring different meanings to different people without the additional feedback of facial expression and vocal nuances; this is true with any type of writing. It’s why I write minor (or major) wall o’texts, trying to be clear in what I want to say.
Second, we are NOT your therapist; we don’t know what else is going on. We know only what you share with us, but even as thorough as you can be, there will be tiny details that made a difference at the time that may not translate into the written word.
Third, and I think this one is probably the most important: EVERY single person has “multiple personalities” — stop and think about it. We all have the various labels that describe relationship or links to others. We are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, adults, children, aunts and uncles; we are co-workers, bosses, employees; we are friends, buddies, besties, BFF, acquaintances, neighbors, strangers. We have specific environmental labels associated with us: the friend at work, the lady who runs the cash register at my grocery store, and so on.
Within the “average” and “normal” brain, these facets of ourselves all seem to be one homogeneous being (sort of). One can slide into another without any apparent change or disconnect. Example: I talk and act in one specific way when dealing with my parents; I always have. But when I’m with my friends, or my husband, there is a very different manner of interaction. I do not use my favorite words in front of my parents. (Side story: my mother once chided me for saying the word “shit”. She actually told me to watch my language. {wait for it} I was 43 years old at the time.) I also avoid (like poison) many topics that would lead only to complete disagreement between us and cause anger on both sides, such as politics, religion, sex and anything that might lead to those topics. So I am VERY guarded when speaking with them.
With my friends, there are relatively few filters; my favorite word is like “fire truck” in that it starts with “f” and ends in “uck”. And lest everyone think that I am completely without logic in my relationships, I do have the Buddhist filters of “is it true?’, “is it kind?” and “is it necessary?”.
For those of us with mental illness, the concept of “multiple personalities” becomes a bit…nuanced and usually not shared so freely as you are doing precisely because we don’t want to get that response which you did… It’s probably more accurate to say that you do not have multiple personalities, you have one shattered personality that is finally learning how to be integrated — as it should have been from the beginning. (And like repairing broken china, there will always be cracks. But using good strong glue (like therapy), you can actually make the piece stronger. Look here )
I appreciate your words; I look forward to each new post because I am interested in both hearing what you are working towards and seeing you succeed in that work. I think it all boils down to this: what works for you, WORKS. Never mind what anyone else (and again, I include me) says. You KNOW what’s right for you — and if you’re not sure, Bob certainly does.
Be kind to yourself and ignore what does not actually resonate for you, what is not true for you, what is meaningless within your personal reality. You are making a tremendous journey — pack light.
Hugs and peace and blessings as always,
K