Maintenance

The heat from the sun did not reach me. Instead of the warmth of golden afternoon rays, I felt the cold of a silver gleam. The world had become bland, again, and was now turning bleak.

This is how it always felt when all the energy had gone.

Sometimes, it was due to not eating or drinking enough or just due to taking on too much. I was still learning how to handle this new state of health. But today, I had been drained of all strength.

With some people, it just was like that. You would sit down with them because you agreed to help with one supposedly small thing (that already is a big one for you because of your own troubles), and instantly the suction begins. It starts with seemingly harmless chatter while you are trying to concentrate on the task at hand. Your polite hints that you need to focus to get this done and that you cannot stay long are being ignored and when you are finally done, another ‘tiny’ task is shaken out of the sleeve to keep you put. Of course, you could get up and leave, if it was not for the fact that you already are low on energy, which makes it harder for you to keep up your healthy boundaries. This is known by the other person and is being used against you.

One little choice, one mistake, and now I had to start from scratch, again, to build up energy. And they say there are no vampires!

But I have learnt something, too. I have learnt that I need to trust my inner voice and not question it. I have learnt that I am allowed to say ‘No’ and that I do not have to justify myself for it. And I have learnt that, when somebody tries to make me feel bad for these choices, I have to run the other way.

Next week, the heat of the sun will reach me, again, and I will feel the golden afternoon rays. And I will know better, how to maintain this state.

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This microfiction was inspired by the writing prompts #FromOneLine 316 and #vss365 (sun).