How to: Relationship Like a Grown Up

Kris Lane.
Oct 26 · 19 min read

It’s been a whole year and we have reached a point in our journey where we need to split up for a while. We are going to conquer the final demon and cross the last threshold together you and I. By the end of this, we will have seen each other emotionally naked. Did you wear your good underwear? Take my hand and let’s go.

A Virus Named Pseudo

When I awoke today I had a missed call from Mrs. Merriam-Webster. She needs some input on clarifying the definition of relationships. She’s contracted the Pseudo virus and it wiped out the meaning of relationship completely. (If you caught my innuendo here you totes just made me hella proud)

The pseudo relationship /ˈso͞odō/ means not real or genuine. Being in a pseudo relationship means that you’re in a situationship. This kind of relationship may differ for a lot of people, depending on what was verbally agreed on or what both mutually understood without the actual conversation.

As is typical of our society and Gen Y we connect every single relationship to one root. A male/female sexual relationship. The term relationship sprouts one idea in our head. Sex. Sex is the demon we are facing today. Ready to get naked? We are making it a threesome btw. Alfred Adler is joining in.

On the Basis of Sex

We are already well versed in the differences between platonic, romantic, soul sibling, temporary, purely physical, and only emotional relationships. The pseudo virus however has blurred our boundaries. How is this Adlerian? Freud is the sex guy? For a virus to die the host environment has to change. The environment of our mind has allowed inferiority to take over as our virus source. Adler is the master of all things inferiority and superiority. He’s up to bat.

The inferiority complex has spilled into all of our relationship types as such we have replaced intimacy with sex. Sex is the selfie sea we float in with our girlie BFF in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room. Sex is the chill sesh with your boy who has that premium snap chat subscription. Sex is the way we spread the pseudo virus situation because we have used sex to replace our intimate inferiority. We have set the environment time to face reality, my area of expertise, my turn to strip.

Table for 1… Hold the Side of Anxiety

Being single or a single parent in our society has no difference in terms of stigma. Do not be appalled here it is true. However as a society we blame one population and pity the other. We tell the single folk they don’t try hard enough while the single parent gets an apologetic pat on the back. Yet those who have empty relationships have no stigma. It’s. not problematic to have a loveless relationship of any kind because in a situationship no one has responsibility to maintain it. It’s only considered a failure if we don’t have a relationship, doesn’t matter if it’s lifeless or not.

We base the foundation of all relationships types on sex instead of the stability of intimacy. We have lost the capability of understanding each other. We only see one group has sex and the other doesn’t. Meaning single vs non single. It must be something not being done correctly this is why they aren’t getting the naked cardio in. What we are doing is handing our fellow humans the key to consistency, the way to freedom of anxieties comfort zone. Freedom from comfort is a risk. Gen Y doesn’t take risks. Just like Gen Y doesn’t do consistency.

We aren’t having sex because we’ve had enough sex to last an eternity. Sex is everywhere and proves little challenge, sex is empty, sex is a pseudo filler for an immense gap in our humanity. We fill the proverbial hole, that’s what she said with physicality that requires no responsibility, effort, and time. Intimacy requires investment in effort and an innermost development of superiority. Superiority in intimacy is the capability to verbalize and have an in depth knowledge of what we want out of life and are on a path to achieving that. This requires having boundaries. As I take off my last article of clothing I am going to fully expose myself to help you see intimacy instead of sex. You will learn ALL relationships require full exposure and transparency. Woo it’s colder than my heart in here!

Nobody’s Girlfriend

If you have followed along the past year we know I have been divorced and single for 7 years. What you don’t know is after I divorced I decided not to have sex . For sound effect purposes picture the part in movies where glass breaks and everyone gasps.

While still married I didn’t have sex with my former partner for an entire year. This is important because that is the basis of relationships that sex lies upon. Sex determines when a relationship is over, when the Demon Desire leaves and the sex stops. Thanks to the pseudo virus sex has become routine. It’s deteriorated from an incarnation of passion in the flesh, to monotony. No hanging from a swing or some kinda Kama Sutra pose doesn’t break the routine only intimacy does that. In my own ability to intimidate the world I reached a point where I’ve had enough sex. I’ve set out to give intimacy in hopes of it coming back to me two fold.

Intimacy is the capability to provide selfless love to someone. To make them feel more than just physically satisfied. It’s the skill of warming someone’s soul. Sex does not warm your soul. Sex is not selfless. Sex is not superior. Sex is a physical representation of raw carnal animalistic tendencies we all need fulfilled. Inferiority has told us through predatory humans and society that we are not enough to provide intimacy because we have put a dollar sign on intimacy or that connotation is reserved for “serious” Relationships in a world of commitment to being uncommitted to anything. Yet we hand over the key to consistency but it’s not taken seriously.

When we weaponize emotions they become deadly, intimacy is the root of our entire humanity not a weapon of mass destruction. The foundation of a human is built on love. Ok I guess it’s a foursome cause we need some Freud here.The man was batshit crazy but was a genius. All humans deserve intimacy at every stage of a relationship whether it be 5 minutes or 50 years into it.

Human love starts from childhood and grows with age. When we reach adulthood our inner self searches for that same kind of love given in childhood. The safety net, the feeling of protection, and to be soothed. We are eternal children. What has happened in Gen Y, and is prevalent now in millennial and post millennial generations, pseudo has filled in for the lack of childhood intimacy. Because of that one misstep today coming across a person who gives us time and attention ignites panic like Cersi’s wildfire in the red keep. GOT and chill? The behavior of seeking depths that intrigue in another human signals Darwinistic flight response especially in males.

I’m not ready speaks through the male species in the form of “let’s keep it casual”. He means the life level he currently resides on doesn’t include taking on the responsibility of maintaining relationships. Problem is we don’t read between the lines.

On the flip side and a common denominator in the female population is to cling to that small morsel of attention and push it to the limit before its time.

That biological clock thing is a myth. If you’re going to force a person into a relationship they don’t want just for the sake of “having a relationship” be ready for the consequences that brings. It’s much more than infidelity, a person not ready for responsibility will be a lifetime project. Trust Me!

Unilaterally us ladies and guys don’t realize the consequences of the cat and mouse behavior have made allowing people real consistent time, and interest in their humanity into a stimulus. This means we meet whole solid people who have integrity and respect with Anxiety’s inferiority in return. With inferiority at the source the pseudo relationship is born. Friendships remain at the acquaintance level, romantic relationships become complicated situations, and the lack of childhood intimacy remains throughout the next emotionless generation produced.

For the parent/single parent population we do not exist in the above equation. We have a hard time understanding the lives of childless adults reason being we have lost the capability to be emotionless. Even if we weren’t given that parent to child intimacy we were baptized by fire and have to give it to someone else. For most of us boundaries are far removed from anxiety in the sense of relationship building. We know how to build and maintain. Anxiety comes to our house when the pseudo virus tries to make its way in through another human. We quickly sever the connection and are done with it.

If you are a single parent however this is problematic. We battle a two headed demon. Lack of childhood and adult intimacy. Where most adults have at least one we have neither. Anxiety pays us visits through ulterior motive. Friendships are harder to maintain because of the need for fluidity, flexibility, patience, and understanding for us and us for them. Where life partnerships are involved males are more likely to find a woman who is willing to build a relationship with him if there is a child involved. It’s second nature for us to love a child. Sometimes. For us females finding a man with executive level patience, and enough confidence in himself to be able to love and want to make a woman and her child(ren) his and his child(ren) requires tact to understand it really is out of your hands. We can’t control anyone’s choices much less how they perceive themselves or their own capabilities. We can only control how our behavior helps them perceive us. We all know what we can and can’t handle, even if we can’t admit to it.

Males in Gen Y were raised hardened and told having emotion is a sign of weakness. They didn’t understand self confidence is a foundational emotion and thanks to this inept conditioning it takes males the longest to find it. This resonates throughout their entire adulthood. Statistically Gen Y males born between 1977–1990 take 3x longer to reach emotional maturity, than their Gen X counterparts. Millennial males 1991–2004 have something called entitlement which is often confused for self confidence. The two are not even remotely parallel.

The next time someone makes you feel inferior, worthless, or unworthy of time because you’re all about that emo life understand they are showing you what they are currently battling within themselves. Give them intimacy in the form of a swift good bye and move on.

Due to desocialization, Inferiority has told us we are not capable of love but are very capable of sex. Our superiority has been conditioned to (looks like a fiver now cause here comes Pavlov) the ability to be the best sexual partner someone has had because intimacy leaves an open wound when it’s taken away. Sex however has an inevitable ending. We know this going into it and accept it. The antecedent and response to the stimulus without consequence, or is it?

Whether it be making your home girl’s tatas look great by contouring them for her next IG post, giving your brother some pointers on how to stretch his hip flexors to pack some extra punch into whomever he is taking home after the bar, or reading a how to reverse cow girl in Cosmo for a twist when your bae gets home tonight, we are fueled by sex’s gasoline instead of intimacy’s fire. That inner warmth that your soul is searching for and being left to encounter pseudo, the virus steadily dulling intimacies flame.

What does this have to do with me being nobody’s girlfriend? When I left my marriage I decided my inferiority complex and demons would remain in that failure, where they were born. I happily abandoned my failed marriage and started a whirlwind relationship with superiority instead. This is how I became immune to pseudo.

Does this mean my current vow of nunnery is because I haven’t had offers? Far from it. As a single mom some males tend to assume I am in dire need of some sex because my life revolves around my child. I can put Ron Jeremy to shame with the amount of sex I could have if I gave in. But there comes a time in all of our lives where we have to decide who we want to become and the maturity to set boundaries against anything that will steer us away from our new becoming. I know who I am and have a clear vision of where I am going and superiority has refused to let me deviate from that. I prefer to invest time with the company of a man who speaks what he wants into existence, admits that he might not be ready quite yet, but has proof of effort in his back pocket instead of a male with no foresight. I want to give myself to someone who sees me as more and treats himself as more. Doesn’t mean I’m waiting for a relationship to do that. I’m setting myself up for that connection I find along the way. A connection builds a relationship the relationship doesn’t build a connection. Connection is how that once a month chill sesh and weekly texting chats turn into biweekly Saturday nights and twice a week phone calls. It is an entry level role with the chance of promotion, to that all night carnal thing, a full blown partnership or an exit and new boundary called let’s be friends. Connections don’t have labels they have levels. Levels need to be established. Forcing anything is senseless and sets a tone of desperation for attention. Force and I don’t get along to well. He backs people into walls. I ain’t about that life.

Superiority taught me males use sex to repress their emotional needs. They carry the pseudo virus since childhood. As women we have to turn emotions from a vulnerability to a strength. Humans mirror what they see and experience. Literally we are flesh and bone sponges. So if we show a male “hey yea you know that instant gratification thing you are doing, we can but don’t have to. I’m not trying to marry you tomorrow just let you know your virtue is just as important as mine.” We often consider the effects of using sex for gratification only from the female perspective. Women are emotional as such the assumption is hollow sex will cause damage. However, what about the hollow male using sex — USING SEX NOT USING A PERSON- to fill a gaping hole in his humanity? Guess who fixes that? Intimacy.

We create a new condition and environment. Instead of repression through sex, the response to the stimulus becomes the ability to open up. Trust is born here. This process is needed throughout the depths of every human connection. For the simple fact it creates a connection, something long lost in our galaxy.

Do I want to be in a relationship right now? No I don’t that is why I am nobody’s girlfriend and have no business being somebody’s girlfriend at the moment. Will I date? Sure, with the intent to not be everybody’s date either. My current to do list includes, transparently solid, positive, growth mentality, real, honest, honest is my personal fav, gives me all the feels. hard working, driven, considerate, understanding, responsible, compassionate, and if I have enough energy left, not to sure but trying. If this man or men present themselves throughout my journey they are worth taking a pit stop for, why? because they are people to learn from, yes even the one who isn’t sure of himself. He carries patience These men have self love and are capable of teaching it. They will help make up for my past stupidity in dating forever in denial, irresponsible, manipulative, victim mentality, dishonesty, infidelity, addicted, narcissistic, everything to hide, lazy, full of excuses, something to prove, let’s assume and jump to conclusions, and can’t forget starving for attention. In other words toxic waste.

Someone reading this is connecting this to an important lesson to my humanity naive seemed to think it had a hold on me. The story behind that text message resulted from him “moving to Australia” and wanted to spend the night together before he left to end with a bang-pun intended. My former classmate from Marist talked me out of it. 6 weeks later Mr. Australia made an appearance after LinkedIn spread the message I was officially a writer for The Good Men Project and included a link to Medium. “I didn’t know how well established you are, I decided Australia isn’t for me and I’m moving back home in 3 months, can we pick up where we left off?” I replied with the same level of intimacy he paid me. “No thanks, it’s not worth the risk”. Humans with toxicities can’t tell the difference between an observer and oblivious. Learn, when someone chooses to remain quiet they are letting the scene play out, not falling for manipulation or your far fetched tales. Not everyone is out to waste energy on people who don’t want to change. Just because you’re hiding something doesn’t mean it’s not exposed. Some of us created the game and watch how well you play.

To often we downplay the little pieces of others that create a great impact without anyone even realizing it. Something as small as good character and healthy boundaries leaves a lasting impression. It’s up to us to decide which poison we pick. Casual or not if you want people to respect your feelings you have to consider theirs whether they ask for it or not. Karma’s always watching and her blind eye is rarely turned. Avoid being everybody’s person. Nobody will turn you into a somebody. Once you achieve self love somebody will be ready for you.

Do I have fear of commitment? Not at all. Right now I am selfishly committing myself to being capable of selfless love. Going back to the vision of where I am going, I am setting myself up to be an adult life partner. That means having the capability to keep a roof over my child and my own head, taking care of my physical, financial and emotional health, and here’s the shocker, having the capacity to offer a space to a man if he wishes, give him a sanctuary from the world. Just as he has been told his entire life he should offer me until we are ready for one roof just us three. An equal distribution of power and intimacy, who has seen such a thing!

Women are one sided creatures. We have been conditioned to not see the value in giving ourselves the things society has determined a man should be giving us which is complete stability. As adults it is important to understand no one owes us anything. Just because we enter into a life partnership does not mean we lose ourselves. Yes you are a couple but you’re also still your own person. To be a partner means pulling your own weight in the relationship. If life was a business partner it would fire the majority of us. We forget sometimes relationships end. If you lose yourself in your relationship you are the only search party who will find yourself again.

Ladies, the difference between attracting a male and a man requires taking responsibility for ourselves and the effort we put into life. You have to have life skills training. That means having an income, being able to drive, cooking skills which allows us to feed ourselves, and realistic expectations. Not social media expectations. You can also be extra like me and know how to change tail lights, rotate tires and do an oil change in 30 mins or less. This will show you how to avoid people who don’t bring the same life skills to the table. People who do not share the weight in any type of relationship are burdens. Dead weight is only meant for leg day. If he is on a growth path and you can see real movement toward his goal move with him or move out of the way. One day you will be on a path of growth, and I’m sure you want to be unstoppable too.

A pseudo relationship is stagnant, repetitious and deceiving for lack of clear boundaries. People will sell you the moon and the stars and hand you a rock and a light bulb. I don’t need a salesman, there is no rate of return in that kind of investment.

Lastly, finally I know, how to conquer pseudo and prevent it from spreading is easier than you think. Stop jumping into relationships. Platonic relationships too. Wait, have the patience to wait six months or a year before you start telling the world you’re dating someone. Make their presence known, they shouldn’t be hidden, yet leave the labels alone. This is your cocooning period. The metamorphoses of two people. It’s meant for you both only. Not to be shared until you’re ready to become one couple. If you meet someone who is up front about not wanting a romantic relationship don’t run away. Stay a little bit and find out why. I can tell you from my own experience of many unfortunate one sided relationships it was either because they were carrying hurt from a past relationship they just refused to let go of. Were scared shitless because I intimidated them somehow. Or simply they just couldn’t accept the fact I didn’t want to be responsible for maintaining a relationship right now because my plate is still full. Honesty is the difference between a boundary and a blockade. Expressing the incapability to be responsible for someone else’s feelings at the moment is a boundary. Refusing to let go of the past is a toxic blockade. Walls stop us while boundaries save us. Here we learn to accept it for what it is or walk away. People change every morning. That means sometimes we spend an entire lifetime with someone in 50 years, 6 months, or in one night. Who we are today will not be the same person we are in 10 years from now. Don’t be a psuedo. Be a human we have very few left.

Pseudo feeds off of lack of communication and boundaries, what you and your person have decided to do behind closed doors is your business. If you want to have sex, have sex! If you’re both in agreement that casual means still dating other people date other people but have the human decency to take care of each other by attending to your own sexual health. Do not let jealousy get in the way. Set your own timer without trying to control someone else’s. You’re on different roads and determining if you’re paths conjoin or remain infinitely parallel. If they get to a point of seriousness before you do either take the risk or let them go. Intimacy is allowing others to continue their journey without stifling them in any way. Even if that means letting them go ‘cause you don’t quite have your shit together yet. Intimacy is the maturity to understand loving people for all of them has nothing to do with giving them a life title and absolutely everything with respecting their humanity, values, morals, and integrity because they have done/ will do that for us. Intimacy is the reward for being a constant variable in a world of pseudo humans. It should be given to those who deserve it no matter the time frame you have known them. We just have to differentiate the constant variables from the temporary life fixtures and determine the correct boundary of intimacy for the situation. That’s it, problem solved.

I can tell you sometimes just because you have sex with someone or don’t have sex with someone even though you want to, doesn’t mean they can’t be your best friend later if the spark doesn’t ignite between you. Sex is a minuscule part of that bigger feeling. Wanting to be close to that person. The spark is intimacy and always will be no matter what the mass media says. It’s the kiss on the forehead, the hugs from behind. The finger tips that lift your chin for their lips to meet yours. It’s movie night on the couch with your BFF sharing a pint of ice cream. It’s even the burping contest you and your brother from another mother have decided to spend your Saturday night on or putting your sweaty gym socks under your sisters pillow. It’s the little things in life . Intimacy is simply being satisfied. Being satisfied means full. Pseudo can’t survive in a solid environment and neither can inferiority. Intimacy is not a Facebook relationship status and never will be. Intimacy is the satisfaction that we are superior in controlling our own behavior.

I’ll Show You Mine

I think Mrs. Merriam-Webster can define relationships again now and so can we. So as we cross the threshold on what will be conquering our last ever hurdle together and I have to let you go are you ready to go about the world transparent and exposed? Your scars have healed beautifully, and your emotional strength has become prevalent. Just like that freckle on your bootay! We will meet again soon once I am ready to catch up to you. You can always come back and visit but I know you can’t stay.

Our take away is the culmination of everything thing we have learned. Exposing ourselves to the world by being honest, requesting our integrity not be compromised, not allowing gap filler relationships, having faith and trust in our decisions and in others, understanding we can only control ourselves and others decisions of who the are to the world are their own Karma. Seeing obstacles as chances to grow and overcome and not an excuse to stay in comfort zone. Taking risk over reckless. Letting people in only with an equal effort match and us meeting them half way. Lastly, today’s lesson of returning lost intimacy to it’s rightful owner, while setting healthy boundaries with it along the way. Here we have found solidarity.

Remember as you carry on the words from Mark Manson.

There is a simple realization from which all personal improvement and growth emerges. This is the realization that we, individually, are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter the external circumstances. We don’t always control what happens to us. But we always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond. Whether we consciously recognize it or not, we are always responsible for our experiences. It’s impossible not to be. Choosing to not consciously interpret events in our lives is still an interpretation of the events of our lives.

Prevent sex from disallowing your true self to shine. Whether you plan to never see the person again or propose in a year from now protect everyone's humanity and end the spread of the pseudo virus. No matter what self sabotage and defense mechanisms say having boundaries and concern for the well being of humanity is never taking things overly seriously. Take the wheel and give everything to mastering your own destiny. It’s always in your hands. It’s been my pleasure to serve you.

Kris Lane.

Written by

Mom/Poe’s Raven/Genuine Human/Ann’s Leslie/Lyrical Ninja/Master of Public Administration/Human Behavior Decoder/Grant Wizard/Lover of Intelligence/NYC

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