Trump Legal Team to Rely on Controversial “Twinkiefluenza” Defense
A source close to the White House claims that Trump’s attorneys are laying the groundwork for an untested defense — “Twinkiefluenza” — for the myriad of legal problems headed his way.
“It’s never been tried before,” said the source, “but how else are they going to explain the bat-shit craziness that’s been going on in the White House for the past couple of years?”
This novel defense combines two controversial arguments that lawyers have successfully used to reduce charges against their clients — the so-called “Twinkie” and “Affluenza” defenses.
According to the source, the White House kitchen staff and the staff at Mar-A-Lago, the “Winter White House,” have been asked by Trump’s legal team to provide them with details about the president’s diet.
“Our job’s been really easy since Trump took office,” said one of the assistant chefs who works in the Family Kitchen on the second floor of the White House. “Most days, we just place an order with KFC, reheat it when it arrives, and deliver it to the residence on the president’s favorite gold leaf china.”
“We also had a MacDonald’s shake machine installed last May,” the chef continued. “Trump was sending Hope Hicks out to get one every two hours so we thought we’d save her the trip. That poor woman had enough on her plate.”
The “Twinkie Defense” was successfully used in a murder trial in San Francisco in 1979. In that case, the defense lawyer was able to reduce his client’s charges down to involuntary manslaughter by arguing that his junk food diet aggravated a chemical imbalance in his brain and rendered him incapable of understanding his actions.
When asked to comment on the possible use of the “Twinkie Defense” by Trump’s legal team, psychiatrist F.U. Pence responded, “I don’t want to excuse any of Trump’s actions, but I have to admit that anyone who regularly eats two Big Macs and two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches in one sitting has diminished mental capacity.”
F.U. Pence is the spokesperson for the Make American Sane Again PAC, a group of anti-Trump mental health professionals. He is not related to Vice President Mike Pence.
The “affluenza” defense was used in 2013 to defend Ethan Couch, a teenager who killed 4 pedestrians in a drunk-driving accident. Although the prosecutors sought a 20-year jail sentence for Couch after his conviction, the judge instead sentenced him to serve time in a rehab facility.
“Trump’s upbringing does seem similar to Ethan Couch’s,” said legal scholar Vincent ‘Vinny’ Gambini, referring to the teenager who was sentenced to a rehab center rather than prison after killing 4 pedestrians in a drunk-driving incident.
“Like Couch, Trump’s parents gave him everything he wanted and never set any limits on his behavior. He grew up believing that as a wealthy person, the ordinary rules of society and decent behavior don’t apply to him.”
Trump’s childhood neighbors and classmates confirmed Gambini’s assessment when interviewed for the book Trump Revealed, calling him a “ruthless, loud-mouthed bully” who would “never admit when he was wrong.”
When asked whether the fact that Trump is an adult rather than a teenager would make the “affluenza” defense more difficult for his lawyers, Gambini responded,
“Probably not. Let’s face it. We all know Trump is a cockroach-infested troll. But he’s also a rich, white guy and that buys him all sorts of privilege.”
Trump’s lawyers refused to comment on any specific plans to use the “Twinkiefluenza” defense on his behalf.
