Rudra Reddy Recovered from Safe Space After Being Called Racist
KUNAL KERAI | DEEPIKA DILIP
UC BERKELEY (ESHLEMAN HALL) — At approximately 1:30 pm on April 3, 2017, UCPD recovered an individual identified as a 5’4”, 20-something, brown, cis, muslim-looking male(?) with a questionable fashion choice hysterically screaming “I’M NOT RACIST! I’m a person of color like Ben Carson. That’s not how it works!” in a safe space of Eshleman Hall. The aforementioned individual was later identified as Rudra Reddy, columnist for the Daily Cal. Witnesses at the scene reported that UCPD’s mislabeling of Reddy drew unnecessary attention to race, gender and his fashion choices which triggered and gravely injured him, leading to the incident. Officers report he is in stable condition, but still remains “bitter and salty” as his doctors have noted.
This is not the first-time Reddy has been found in a safe space after hearing words. During the 2016 Election Results in November, UCPD identified a sobbing Reddy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat in a semi-fetal position in the bridges Multicultural Resource Center basement space, after what several bystanders confirm that an unidentified individual called God Emperor Trump a racist. One Hillary Clinton supporter, who witnessed the events unfold on Sproul Plaza, said “It was absolutely terrible how they bullied the God Emperor. I am sick and tired of conservatives and Trump supporters like Reddy being oppressed and marginalized by the colored hegemony on this campus. Hopefully things will change for them soon”.
UCPD reports that three trans* students of color protesting for a more accessible space heard the desperate and saddening wails of an injured Reddy, and came to his rescue. They immediately notified UCPD, and several officers rushed him to the nearest hospital that took Trumpcare. One of the students who found him remarked “People of color occupy the highest echelons of student government and academic faculty and are significantly overrepresented in the student body. It’s hard to be a conservative on Berkeley’s campus, so we fully empathize with Reddy as someone who is oppressed by the colored hegemony”.
A leak from Sproul Hall found Reddy requested his race be changed from Asian to Italian as he recalled having an ancestor from Italy some millennia ago.
Commenting on the incident, a Jill Stein supporter and social justice warrior adds:
Conservatives on campus constantly get challenged on their faulty logic, red herrings and smokescreens. When they state statistics for something so obvious, people outrageously and unfairly ask for sources. Such a marginalized population does not deserve to be treated with such disrespect, and frankly those who challenge them are racist and should be censored. We urge the University to build them a safe space.
In response to a sharp rise of cases like Reddy’s, one star Facebook reviews of the UC Berkeley page, and lower retention rates of conservatives on campus, the University plans to construct a safe space and retention center for conservatives in the place of seismically unsafe Tolman Hall by late 2019. The “Milo Yiannopoulos Center For Conservatives Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too” is estimated to cost $19 million, and the campus is entertaining the idea of hiring alt-right Pepephile Richard Spencer as the head of the center. A source close to Spencer says “while he is honored to hold the position, he and his injured ego have not recovered from the punches received on the day of Trump’s inauguration.”
In the event of a similar incident to that of Reddy’s, UCPD would like to remind students dial 510–642–3333 on your cellphone, or use a Blue Light emergency phone (located throughout the campus and identified by a blue light on top of the phone box or column). Conservatives, remain alert and aware of your surroundings. travel with a friend or in a group to avoid injury from anything other than “alternative” facts, walk on well-lit, well-traveled routes, and utilize the free Night Safety Services located at http://nightsafety.berkeley.edu.
This is a satirical piece in response to Rudra Reddy’s Daily Cal Post “Everything is racist”.