How to Throw a Gender Reveal Party That Reveals Everything

Gender is just a construct, after all

Originally published on Reductress

Even though there aren’t too many choice when it comes to revealing the gender of your unborn child, that doesn’t mean that your gender reveal party has to be cookie-cutter garbage! In addition to revealing your child-to-be’s gender, there are a litany of secrets you and your spouse can reveal to your loved ones. Here are some tips to make your gender reveal party go too far:

Make the Party Décor Reflect Your Difficulties with Conception

Did you undergo IVF due to your husband’s impotence and reluctance to have a child with you? Make sure the décor shows that magical journey by incorporating your medical records, so you can comment on “what a struggle it’s been” and how “Dan didn’t want to have a child because he is one.”

Cultivate That Guest List for Prime Drama!

Friends and family are a no-brainer for the invite list, but who else knows your secrets and might be motivated to reveal them to those close to you? Are there any workplace rivals who might be motivated to reveal the affair you’re having with your boss? Does Dan’s ex-wife want to chime in about his toilet phobia? Make sure these truth-tellers make the cut!

Have Fun Games and Prizes to Give Away the Stuff that Isn’t Baby-Proof

After a rousting round of “Pin the Chromosome on the Fetus,” make sure the winner feels truly special. For example, award Dan’s miniature Australian Shepherd, Oz, who Dan spends most nights cuddling with in the guest room instead of with you, to the victor. Bye, bye, Oz! There’s no room for you here now that the baby’s on its way.

Make the Food and Drinks Tell Your Unique Story

Create a signature cocktail for your gender reveal party like “The Problem Swimmer,” made with egg whites and vodka so everyone knows that Dan’s stupid slow sperm were the reason you spent your entire 401k on IVF! Tell everyone you made a big batch — Dan’s been hitting the sauce hard ever since his office put him on probation for sexual harassment allegations.

No Pink or Blue Allowed!

Gendered colors are so passé. Also, Dan feels that you were over-pinkified as a girl and this has led to lingering issues in your sex life like your refusal to do casual anal on a regular basis. So just encourage guests to bring yellow gifts and ignore Dan’s drunken rants about Barbie.

Share Your Concerns about the Baby

You’re not emotionally prepared for this child, have been “forgetting” to take your prenatal vitamins since week seven, and have a terrible feeling that the baby will share you and Dan’s mental health problems. So why not bring your concerns to the party for some much-needed support? Write all your worries on tiny slips of paper and have family members try and guess whose fear is whose.

Being a “Cool Mom” Starts Now!

Make sure Dan and your fetus see you talking to Jim in the corner and touching his arm a lot. Jim is a 6’4” lawyer who brews his own beer, so really this is all Dan’s fault.

Make the Actual Reveal Exciting!

How are you gonna tell everyone if it’s gonna be tuxedos or tiaras? Could you and Dan have a massive screaming argument about Jim that starts in the corner but gradually moves into the center of the room and then he tries to make a break for the door while screaming, “I divorce you” but you throw the reveal box at him and all the doves that explode out and frantically fly around hitting the guests are blue? GREAT! It’s a Boy!

Male or female, this baby was a mistake! Have fun!

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.