The Happy Chef

A Comedic Monologue.

What dark depths are covered by this smile and this spoon?

SFX: Chirpy little theme song

TONIA: And welcome, everyone, to the live studio taping of “The Happy Chef!” I’m your host, previously happy chef Tonia Tomsen!

SFX: Studio audience applauding enthusiastically, if quizzically.

Ladies and gentleman, I was informed just prior to coming on the air that this will be our final episode due to “studio cutbacks,” “declining ratings” and “a show called Dorm Pigs that needs our set.”

SFX: Studio audience sad, “no!” “we love you Tonia!” “happy chef!”

Well, let’s go out with a bang! Let’s chop some romaine, shall we?

SFX: Aggressive whacking noises.

Ahhhh, it feels nice to cut things, doesn’t it? Just like they cut this show. Chop, right off the schedule! Now, take this romaine and throw some blue cheese dressing on it along with lardons. Comfort food — it’s simple and delicious, not some contrived “happiness” recipe from my corporate overlords.

Let’s have a little nip of this cooking sherry I’ve been hanging out with backstage and pound out our pork belly.

SFX: Aggressive pounding

Did you all know I trained at the Sorbonne? No, all you know you know about me are marketing catchphrases like, “taste the happiness!” and “happy food makes happy people!” Let’s crush some garlic cloves.

SFX: Crushing and smashing noises and mincing

Let me let you in a little secret, folks — happiness in the kitchen is making a coq au vin in a steaming hot room with three minutes ’til you plate and you’re screaming at Ramón to plate the mustard greens before you murder him with your paring knife but then the food is perfect and everyone is stuffed and you and Ramón have sex that night in the walk-in.

Go ahead and put that pork belly in the oven to braise.

SFX: Oven SLAMS SHUT

This sherry is just really hitting the spot, huh? Take another swig and let’s get started on our main course.

Don’t give me that side eye, Mark the camera man, I’m an adult woman and I can make my own choices. I’M THE GODDAMN HAPPY CHEF!

Get the best cut of steak you can afford and liberally salt it with your tears, just like I’m doing now. Feel your feelings, everyone, even if they aren’t always HAPPY!

Then wrap it up and put it under your pillow while you dream about all the things you could have achieved. In the morning, take the steak and throw it on the floor and jump on it.

(little moment of clarity) Probably…don’t eat it after that. JUST MOVE ON TO BETTER THINGS! Like finishing this bottle of sherry, who are we fooling?

SFX: Bottle clunks to the floor.

Hopefully you all keep your kitchen floors clean, cause next we’re lying down on ‘em.

You feel better, don’t you? Surprisingly…a whole lot better…and drunker. You can find me on my webseries, “Feel Your Food Feelings with Tonia Jerowitz.” That’s my real name, the network head changed it to Tomsen to make it more “alliterative.” Google it.

(slurred) And with that… I’m Tonia, and this, thankfully, has been the final episode of “The Happy Chef.”

SFX: Chirpy little theme song


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