Coming Out

I only have 10 followers on here, so I doubt anyone will read this. And I also doubt anyone would read my previous post either. However, if you did read my previous post, you’d notice I didn’t give any name or pronoun for the anonymous person I was referring to. I still won’t give you that person’s name, but I will tell you that person is a he. I’m gay, always have been and always will be.

So where should I start? Well first of all, everyone’s coming out story is unique, but mine is truly something else. If you’re an avid viewer of YouTube like I am, you’d notice a common thing among queer men’s coming out videos. They often say something among the lines of “I was always different. Instead of playing with [insert stereotypical boy toy here], I played with [insert stereotypical girl toy here.]” But I was never like that. I always played with the “boys” action figures. I had my favorite professional wrestling toys and my favorite super hero action figures.

Despite my stereotypical male upbringing, I did have certain feelings growing up. I always thought certain guys were good looking, just like I thought certain girls were good looking. I rarely stated a word about those feelings though. I had an older brother (who accepts me today) who would shoot anything like that down. I recall in 5th grade, I had a teacher who was handsome and my mom had a bit of crush on him. I don’t recall exactly what I said, but I know I acknowledged his handsomeness to my mom and brother. As you could imagine, that didn’t go over well with the brother. My mom just laughed it off. And to derail the topic from myself to something else for a moment, there’s nothing gay or “weird” about acknowledging the attractiveness of someone of the same sex/gender. A guy saying Jake T. Austin is attractive doesn’t mean he’s gay, it just means he has eyes.

Anyways, let’s move forward to the middle school years. Most people below the age of 20 consider their best years of life to be their high school and/or college years. While college has been plenty of fun so far and high school was entertaining, I could easily make the argument the my best years of life were my three years in middle school. I had plenty of friends, I was youthful, I was ignorant of a lot of the shit that’s out there in the world and I thought I was straight. That’s right, I still had zero idea that I was gay. Now, I still thought there were some guys in my school that were handsome and all, but it was nothing serious. I tried to get a girlfriend like all my friends did, but that never worked

Moving on to my freshman year of high school, I was awkward as all fuck. That really has nothing to do with anything, just thought I’d acknowledge it. I was still like all the other guys. I loved sports (still do), I was active in gym and I would talk about the girls that I liked. I genuinely did believe I liked them and it wasn’t until my sophomore year when I realize I was very different. That was when I noticed that I couldn’t get aroused at the thought of a woman. So by the middle of my sophomore year , I personally gave myself the label of bi-curious. By the summer of 2013, which led in to my junior year, I fully acknowledged that I was a homosexual, I no longer had a doubt.

And I tried to keep that secret for a long time because I didn’t know how people would react. Until one day in early 2014 my older sister asked me, “Kwadare, are you gay?” Now, I have no idea what made her inclined ask me that. Did I unknowingly say something about a good looking guy to her one day? Did I forget to clear the search history? WHY IS SHE ASKING ME THIS? So long story short, after about a minute of not really answering I finally told her, “I think so.” It was an emotional moment for me, she was the first person I ever came out to outside of friends I had online.

For about the next year or so, I still kept it a secret until I told my mother in August 2015 before I left for college to start the fall semester of my freshman year. Since then, I’ve told some other people who are close to me, but not everyone. My motto is “if someone wants to know, they can just ask and I’ll tell them.” Not a lot of people have asked, but I still feel it is important to officially come out on this blog, and ultimately to my Twitter followers who likely won’t care.

So all in all, I’m gay as hell, but that doesn’t mean I’m different from the person you knew before reading this. I’m still the same guy, but now I’m just going to be a bit more open about it. Happy Sunday folks!

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