What the Olympics Would Look Like if it Were for Graphic Designers

Ah, the epic Olympic games — a gathering of the finest of the oh so very fine people of the world (Google: Spandex) to prove who’s worthy of the elusive gold medal, while the rest of us spectates the muscle fest with a tub of ice cream and the ghosts of workouts past.

But maybe, just maybe, there’s an alternate universe where there’s an Olympics for the ultra-talented-and-creative-but-not-physically-gifted kind?

In this world, the countries would send a delegation of their best creatives.

The qualifiers would probably involve spotting poor kerning from 100m away.

Dishonor on your ancestors if you don’t know this term.

The host country would spend years on developing the perfect Olympic logo

“We’re at iteration no. 2951.”

But it still screws up in the opening ceremony

And the design world will never forget.

Events include the Deadline Dash, where the finish line keeps extending farther away the closer you get.

“Oh did we say 500m? We meant 5000m.”

Client Pitching, which requires you to impress a panel in three seconds.

It’s all about grabbing their attention.

Chair Exercises, where you do acrobatic stunts on an ergonomic office chair.

You gotta keep that blood flow going!

Freestyle Coding, where the panel demands a feature on their website that requires technology from another world.

Oh, so you want it to pop out of the screen? Like, literally?

Iteration Shooting, in which the panel shoots down your ideas and you need to keep coming up with more

There is no perfect world

Men’s and Women’s Singles, where you stay single because you’re always at work. (Current world record is 85 years single and counting)

At least you’re rich and you can afford wine

And Payback Run, where the client runs away from you as you bill him the balance.

Nothing can make you run faster

There’s also Social Life Balancing, Three-Day All-Nighter, and Synchronized Existential Breakdown.

What is sleep?

It’s also the only time when the world finds out about other design-related events like Data Engineering, Color Grading, and SEO Optimization

Only the really good ones ever get to the finals

Praise the dear heavens

And the winners truly deserve the recognition

After all, they trained long and hard hours perfecting their craft

Practice, practice, practice

But even the ones who didn’t make it are proud of where their talents got them

Reaching my goals be like

And simply by being designers, they know how their talents change the world.

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