We have lost our Dewmocracy

Chapter 1 of the story on how the Russians stole the real election.

Kyle Kulesza
Jul 21, 2017 · 3 min read

When you think of American freedom, what comes to mind? Baseball. Apple Pie. Hot Dogs. Fireworks. And Mountain Dew on a hot summer day. Yet we don’t cherish one of these as we do the other.

A typical American meal

For some reason, one of our nations greatest achievements goes unnoticed, underfunded, and unprotected. I am, of course, speaking of Mountain Dew. For years now, that sweet citrus soda has been under attack by foreign governments hiding in the shadows. People are just now acknowledging Russian interference with the 2016 U.S. presidential election, but no one is bringing up the fact they have been probing our election system for decades. I am referring to our Dewmocracy and how it was stolen from us before we even knew what was happening.

Notice the Soviet Union resemblance in this piece of propaganda

The Players

To understand what happened, we must know who to blame.

Putin with a large glass of original Mountain Dew

Vladimir Putin

Birth date: October 7, 1952

Education: Leningrad State University, law, 1975; Red Banner Institute of Intelligence, 1984; Mining Institute of St. Petersburg, 1997

Favorite Flavor: Original

Served in the KGB as an intelligence officer before becoming President of Russia.

Kislyak enjoying 2 glasses of Live Wire at a Russian Gala

Sergey Kislyak

Birth date: September 7, 1950

Education: Moscow Engineering Physics Institute

Favorite Flavor: Game Fuel

Russian Ambassador to the United States. Lead hacking efforts of the 2016 Presidential Campaign

Baldwin showing off a cup of Code Red

Alec Baldwin

Birth date: April 3, 1950

Education: New York University, George Washington University

Favorite Flavor: Pitch Black

Actor turned sleeper agent. Outspoken liberal.


“We’re going to have an election”

The year was 2007. The country was in disarray, gas was hovering to $4.00 a gallon, and even with an economic downturn looming, one company did not give up hope in America. Mountain Dew announced a competition; new, fan-made flavors would go against each other to become an official Mountain Dew Flavor. “Looking back on it, we should have known something was wrong” said then-CEO Willie Diaz. “The vote count seemed off since the beginning. There was no way this was the American people choosing these flavors… No way.”

Ex-CEO Willie Diaz

Willie had come up with the idea in a dream, and announced it the next day before consulting anyone else in the company. “We’re going to have an election, and we’re going to have a good one!” said Diaz’s press release. Later that week, the website was up, and a Dewmocracy was born.

“There was no way this was the American people choosing these flavors… No way.”

Yet not everyone was happy with Diaz’s rash decision. Paula Mayes, head of Mountain Dew Cyber Security L.L.C. at the time, tried to speak up. “I tried to explain to everyone the risks we would be taking. No one had ever tried doing something like this” Mayes told me over dinner. “We were basically painting a bulls-eye on our back by not thinking this through”. But no one listened, and the launch of our nation’s Dewmocracy went barreling forward.


End of Chapter 1

Next Time: The Russian interference starts

Footnote: We reached out to the Russian Government for comment and received no response.

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Kyle Kulesza

Written by

Failed Crowdfunded Director. Bigly into plaid.

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