Dear Editor

Dear Sir/Madam,

You seem to repeatedly reject my pitch ideas and writing samples, yet have given me no good reason as to why.

If it would please you, I’d like to reiterate my many qualifications which make me suitable for writing for your publication.

I am Ivy League educated, with a PhD in Pharmacology and Molecular Signaling from Columbia University. Therefore, I am qualified to do absolutely anything. I mean, I’m a “doctor” for Chrissakes. In my opinion this makes me qualified to write on a wide range of topics that few people actually care about. In fact, if I daresay, it makes me particularly qualified to write cryptic cartoons and satire for the New Yorker. In double fact, the more I think about it, the more you’d be lucky if I decided to publish anything in your paltry publication.

But as you may not yet be convinced, let me go on to discuss my qualifications, further.

In addition to my impressive background, I also own a silver macbook pro and a red moleskin notebook. I am a purveyor of the finest felt tip pens. I am also extraordinarily particular. When I sit down to unleash my prose, I can only do so between the hours of 7 and 11 am, and 8 and 10 pm at an oak desk near a window that looks out onto a crowded city street, empty streets simply will not do. I must have coffee from the finest Guatemalan beans and which have been brewed with a Chemex by a barista with a wrist tattoo. The light that illuminates my pages must be no greater than 100 watts, if not natural sunlight, which should, preferably, hang low in eastern sky.

Perhaps my ideas are so good that you feel threatened by me and my sublime abilities. And that is understandable. I often run into others who feel threatened by me and I’ll have you know, Good Sir or Kind Madam, that I have steadily made almost $40,000/year for the last 10 years precisely because others are trying to keep me relegated to the lower echelons of academia because they palpably perceive the threat that is me and my genius.

It is my sincerest hope that this letter has helped you to understand your short-sightedness and that it shall be corrected posthaste. I look forward to receiving your apologetic response.

Regards,

Writer.xx

Lauren Tanabe is a freelance writer based in Detroit with a Ph.D. in Pharmacology and Molecular Signaling from Columbia University. She is currently looking for opportunities to tell stories that reflect the poetry and beauty inherent in science, as well as all things sad and humorous related to academia, motherhood, and found tucked into the random and ridiculous moments of everyday life.