Hi Ann.

Let me take you away from your important journalistic life for a moment. I, like many others had the unique experience of reading your latest piece. I would call it journalism, but that would be akin to calling my garbage disposal a michelin star restaurant.

You can poke fun of liberals, and what’s wrong within the confines of your upper east side zip code, state or even country. But when you attempt to make a self-serving sweeping broad generalization about the morality of soccer fans in the united states, well you’ve crossed the line.

But rather than stoop to your sub basement ethical standards, lets just take a walk down the aisle of “facts” you’ve assembled in your quest for more viral recognition.

Ratings

You lambast the ratings of the USA-Portugal game, which was the second most popular sporting event in America, with 24.7 million viewers, by comparing it to other sports,

“regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year’s Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers.”

That’s an adorable attempt to use statistics to your advantage, but as you also hide behind the more American baseball and basketball, you neglected to mention that The World Series averaged 14 million viewers, and the NBA Finals averaged 15 million viewers . Also you negelected to compare the notion that one was a first round game and the World Series, and NBA Finals…are, as anyone can deduct, CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES.

Ann, do you think the World Cup Final won’t shatter the Super Bowl’s ratings, like it does every four years? Did you not bother to research that almost 1BILLION people watch the final, regardless of who is playing?

You also somehow denigrate soccer because it’s played in a co-ed atmosphere when kids are growing up. It’s a shame that there is this thing that allows kids to run and get fresh air and excercise in the fattest country in the world. Awful.

What’s wrong with all sports being just that, all sports? Why is it even a competition? Let them play. Whatever they want.

Great Grandfathers

“I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.”

Ann. Let’s take a walk down history lane. Lets take your age, 52. Lets assume your father had you when he was 30, and his father (your grandfather) had him when he was 30, and your grandfathers father when he was 30 as well. Confusing? I’ll do the math. That would mean your great grandfather was born circa — 1874.

The first NBA game played? 1946.

The first NHL game played? 1917.

The first MLB game played? 1871 , meaning your great-granpops was 3. An age at which I am sure he was a massive baseball fan.

The first “Soccer” games ever played? So glad you asked! How does 1421 sound? That’s 71 years before Columbus (An ardent supporter of The Azzuri and La Furia) sailed the ocean blue. But let’s see when the first professional league was established. Oh look, 1824, making the league 50 years old when your great grandfather was born. Did you know that soccer was prevalant 17th century in England? Do you see where this is going? Do you see that the chances of our founding fathers and THEIR fathers knowing about soccer are 1000% greater than any of them knowing about baseball, football, and hockey? Is that point sticking yet?

Speaking of 1946, did you attend Miami Heat games then as well?

Catching on

“Soccer is not “catching on.”

Yes Ann. Yes it is. Part of the reason soccer wasn’t as popular stateside in the past was there wasn’t the technology available to all in order to enjoy it and share it. Just like you didn’t have a blog to rant on 20 years ago, when you were 32, there was no such thing as social media and on demand interactive content to help share the joys of soccer.

In the opening round of the World Cup, there have been 300 MILLION tweets about it. Thankfully there have been a lot less concerning your article. That’s 300 million, or 3 times the superbowl audience. I would assume you have a staff that you pay handsomely to drink your kool aid, and I would assume that you would order some of them to do the proper research before you say unchecked things like soccer is not catching on.

Liberals

“Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine.”

Only you, Ann, and maybe Rush, and Bill and the guy with the bowtie, could make this comparison. I like it though, because it can tie in nicely with your stats about basketball and football. Ann, would it be fair to say that most NFL and NBA players ar African-American? Absolutely. So, if we’re still talking about great-grandfathers, where do you think all of these players great-grandfathers were during the middle of the 19th century in America? Did you get there on your own? I’ll help. While you’re proclaiming that your great grandfather was watching the MLB package back in 1874, while having a delicious mint-julep I suppose, you understand that genetic descendence the sports you’re calling super American come from the abomination that was slavery. So mayyyyybe it’s not a good idea to point fingers at Europe for immoral stuff, wait, I’m sorry, I have the Trail of Tears on the line, they want to talk to you about the Redskins. On hold after that are The Japanese-American’s from the WWII camps.

Girls

“I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s “Girls,” light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton.”

Ann. I hate the show Girls. Love the idea of a functioning light-rail, and can appreciate Beyonce and Hillary, though I missed their latest tour, “Live: Awesome American Women who are way better than Ann Coulter”

I’m tired of writing your name

Ann. I get it. You get paid, way more than me, to write sensationalist drivel. It’s fodder for your lemmings, and for the people that refuse to think of anything other than your convoluted agenda for America. But when you doggie paddle from the GOP kiddie pool and try to swim with the adults, don’t be surprised if people respond. You clearly have no idea what an average American looks like. You are out of touch with this country. And that’s fine, but do me/the other 5.9 Billion of us a favor and stay off my pitch. We don’t need you, and hopefully your views will be diluted enough that your great-granddaughter will get to play on a co-ed soccer team long after you’re that embarrassing family secret no one talks about.

Stick to politics, you’re terribly good at it. Leave the grown-up stuff to everyone else.