The New England Patriots and Mark Twain.
A few hours after the Kansas City Chiefs pummeled the New England Patriots on Monday Night Football, I decided to pitch an article to the 17th best sports website in America.
Within their Microsoft Windowsesque circa 2001 submission site I was asked for the proposed lede for the story. It was instantly obvious. “The reports of the New England Patriots demise have been greatly exaggerated” I typed, excited to be the first one to nail the famous quote and apply it to a modern day event.
I mentioned how I would prove this, because this 17th best sports website is more like sports buzzfeed than it is espn or deadspin, with a list of reasons/multiple pages for them to fill with adspace.
I talked about the fact that the Patriots haven’t lost at home in October in almost 10 years. That Tom brady has only lost back to back games 4 times. That they have the best October record in over a decade. That they have won 31 STRAIGHT GAMES AT HOME AGAINST THE AFC. That the Bengals haven’t won on Sunday night since before Facebook. I even quoted one of their articles, referencing the illustrious Trent Dilfer, who is only surpassed by Joe Namath as the worst Super Bowl winning quarterback of all time, who declared that Tom Brady is just not a good quarterback.
So with all of that, I sent in my application and felt great about my prospects.
And in the words of Upworthy, you won’t believe what happened next!
Everyone. Literally EVERYONE used that line. From Bill Barnwell to The Patriots themselves, to a week later on the ESPN power rankings.
As the references kept popping up throughout the week, I was getting more and more confident that I would receive an offer from the 17th best sports site in America, and 10 NSSA’s and Pulitzers later I would invite Bill Simmons over to talk about his now 10 year ban from NFL games and why Jimmy Kimmel got fat again.
Sunday.
When the Patriots absolutely crushed the best team in the NFL on Sunday night. I couldn’t have felt better. I had provided a lede, I had researched it I had even put aside my homerism to the team I spent most of life watching every sunday. I had proven my point and just waited for the good news from the 17th best sports site in America.
Monday.
With a form rejection letter blander than their own writing I was informed to take the time, review their submission policy and to reapply in a month.
Monday Night.
I was pissed. I couldn’t believe it. Everyone had used my hypothetical lede and ran with it all over anything sports related.
Later Monday Night.
I called my writing mentor and explained to him what had happened, hoping to hear sympathy and agreement with my woes.
This is what I heard; “Yea, You can do better than that.”
What? I explained to him that everyone else had used that line, and that It was spot on.
“You can do better than that.”
What?
“You absolutely can, that reference has been used in sports more than “The people next to me were smoking weed, your Honor,”
Yea but…
No yea buts, he was right. I hadn’t stopped to think about the fact, that yea, I had written it first in regards to this particular event, but I should have known that it just wasn’t an original quote to mess with in the first place. Searching for “references to Mark Twain death quote” yeilds over 500,000 results, So I was about as innovative as the guy who just bought a fax machine.
He asked me, “What’s the better way to say what you just said?” And at first I was still a little ego bruised, but after a second of stepping back and looking at the whole process, I realized that yes, he was right. I just wanted satisfaction in knowing that what I submitted, while milquetoast, was still accessible and part of the current sportswriting vernacular. And it was! It was absolutely typical and run of the mill, and like most succcesful TV shows, middling and a little bit vanilla but accessible to the majority of the country. It was such an overused pretentious reference that the reference itself has become mundane and sophomoric at best.
I can do better.
Here is my fictional lede and more for a mythical application to the 17th best sports site in America. For an article that would have been published 8 days ago. In the middle of a New England community in shock at the possible end of an era.
The New England Patriots have never left and will demolish the Cincinnati Bengals.
For those of you calling for Tom and Bill’s head on a spike, I would like to respectfully ask that you hold on to your fire sale hats for just a minute. The New England Patriots will win this sunday against the top ranked team in the National Football League. You heard it here first, just hours after the worst defeat in years.
Why?
Lets start with Home.
Home is where the Patriots have won 31 straight games against the AFC. In fact, home is where the Patriots have lost 1 game in October in 12 years. Home.
Sorry for your loss.
You should be, the Patriots have lost back to back games 4 times since 2003. And one of those years, Tom Brady wasn’t the QB. Oh yea,
Tom “He’s just not a good quarterback” Brady
Thank you Trent Dilfer for winning gold in Bandwagon Jump. This is infact the same Trent Dilfer that is consistently ranked as the second worst quarterback to ever win a Super Bowl. You could have had Julia Childs making Bernaise behind center in Super Bowl 35 and Ray Lewis and that muderous defense still would have won. Trent Dilfer has a career QB rating of 70.2. Tom Brady, who Trent Dilfer declared D.O.A after the Monday night game has a career rating of 95.5 He has a QB rating os 85.5 THIS YEAR. 85.5! He has a vastly greater rating than Trent Dilfer EVER had during which Trent Dilfer has called him “just not a good quarterback”. And oh yea, Tom Brady is 37–8 after a loss. And the average margin of victory for the Patriots after a loss? 27.7 (if this were the future, we could point out that they beat the Bengals by 26)
The Bengals.
Guys, they’re not that good. They have a losing record in primetime games. Their current iteration has never won a playoff game. THEY HAVEN’T WON ON SUNDAY NIGHT IN OVER 10 YEARS. The only redeeming quality of the bengals is the Icky Woods shuffle currently being the best commercial on TV.
What’s under the Hood?
Are you really going to bet against Bill Belichick? Is there a better coach in the last 15 years of the NFL? Statistically, not even close. Hardware wise? Not even close. You’re probably thinking Tom Coughlin, and I can respect that, wait, no I can’t, that means you’re probably from New York, and that automatically discounts your opinion. And also: Yankees suck. Can you name me one team that has gone through so much crap in the last 3 years and has still managed to make deep playoff runs consistently? They have literally had everyone on the IR, or jailed for murder, or traded for salary cap reasons, or arrested or suspended for PED’s or weed. They’re one Ray Rice from being the Longest Yard. And yet with the best record of the last 12 years, the best home record, the best October record, and with one of the top 5 QB’s of all time, you’re gonna sell your stock after one really bad game? Go ahead, I’ll buy them all at pennies on the dollar and when they trounce on the happless Bengals on Sunday, I’ll gladly sell them back to you, Buffet style for a ridiculous profit.
