The NFL. Integrity My Ass.

Yesterday I had my ears murdered. They were murdered by mouthpieces so loud and full of jealous vitriol that a day later I am still fuming at how some people are allowed to voice their opinions in public. Freedom of speech is one thing but there must be environmental regulations in place that should prevent the toxic cesspool of hot garbage coming out of so many peoples mouths.

Bill Polian. You are my 9567th favorite Bill. Belichick, Simmons, Of Rights, Gates, Clinton, Murray, Hader, Walton, Shakespeare and Jefferson are my top 10. You rank after O’Reilly and right before Cosby.

You sat there on SiriusXM radio and pontificated for 4 hours about how Tom Brady and The Patriots were without a shadow of a doubt guilty. You called into question their integrity as members of the National Football League and as plain human beings. You compared the Patriots and Tom Brady to Shoeless Joe and the Blacksox. You compared the Patriots and Tom Brady to Pete Rose. You did this. Do you know what you also did?

You named Curtis Painter your starting quarterback during the 2011 season after you had already decided to not bring the 2nd greatest quaterback of this century back the following year. Maybe the call came from your boss. YOU LET IT HAPPEN. INTEGRITY BILL. Where was your integrity when you intentionally lost games in order to secure the best new qb the league has seen in years. The one that won a super bowl in his 2nd year, wait…you didn’t draft Russell Wilson in the 3rd round, my bad. Integrity Bill. You ruined sunday football for hundred’s of thousands of Colts fans, who had to endure purposeful loss after purposeful loss. And not just Colts fans! You subjected the world to having to watch Curtis Painter as a starting QB. Curtis Painter was not the 32nd best Quarterback in the country in 2011 Bill. Curtis Painter wasn’t the 32nd best Quarterback in Marion County. Don’t believe me? The guy who started this whole fiasco even said so.

Integrity Bill. Integrity requires having strong moral principles, which I’m sure your former boss, the drug addicted, mistress swinging, drunk driving owner must know a thing or two about. Sure Bill, You’re in the Hall of Fame! Yay! So is O.J Simpson.


Perception is such a real pain in the ass. If you’re at all like me and you’ve religiously Google News’d Brady (and Simmons, but that’s for another day) in the last week, you are just bombarded by everything. EVERYTHING. From Jon Stewart literally calling Tom Brady a Cheating Fuck, to Chris Christie, #1 Cowboy Concessions Fan AND Donald Trump defending Brady, rendering my entire adulthood one messed up opposite day.

But it’s good to know Jon is such a big Giants fan. Have you met Plaxico Burress? Lawrence Taylor? I’m sure a bunch of underage girls have.


Guys. Guys. GUYS. You just made a rapist/thief/misogynist the centerpiece of your Draft. The newest most heralded member of the National Football League was just paid millions. And he is a rapist/thief/misogyinist. I’m sorry. He is more probable than not a rapist/thief/misogynist.

But what about Aaron Hernandez you’re probably saying. Well, he hadn’t killed, I hope, anyone when we drafted him, and as soon as the words “Arrested for…” we fired him and haven’t looked back. We even offered a jersey exchange because we realized, shit, I guess it wasn’t just the weed we had to worry about. To which I ask the Ravens, how many Ray Lewis jersey exchanges have you had? To which I ask the Cowboys, how many…I can’t even keep track as to how many convicted criminals you’ve employed over the years. Dez Bryant more probably than not beat his mother. Dez Bryant is considered one of the best recievers in football. And of course, one of your newest free agent signees, Greg Hardy.


And this isn’t a he said, she said, wait excuse me, this is the NFL, there is no she said, unless she’s unconscious on an elevator floor.

This isn’t a he said, he said, tit for tat thing. This is simply a witch hunt filled with sanctimonious jealousy and inferiority complexes. Bill Polian, you could only beat us once when it mattered. Jon Stewart, you’re funny, but let’s be real, you’ve been doing the news on a comedy network for 15 years, in that time, Colbert started after you, got a better show and then replaced Letterman. Even Jon Oliver got a show on HBO a day after the ink on his visa dried. You’re stuck being a curmudgeonly complacent New Yorker who still thinks Times Square is relevant and can make an occasional V.O.D socially conscious indie film that really just masks your white guilt. You should go work at Vice! And the rest of you, I know I’m not going to change your mind, it’s like begging you not to DVR C.S.I or 2 Broke Girls because your destroying your cable boxes brain cells. It’s fine, we’re all entitled to our opinions, and as much as I’d rather euthanize my eyeballs than read one more “Once a cheater always a cheater” post on whatever forum hell I drag myself into time and time again, you can say what you want. You just look like an ignorant asshole while doing it.

Integrity. If Roger Goodell (here is where I never get hired by ESPN) actually had testicular fortitude he would have never let any of this happen. It’s his job to be a Commisioner…to regulate a particular sport…he could have nipped all of this in the bud with a phone call when shit came to light way before the AFC championship. Instead he let this drag out, and If I had to make a bold prediction, I believe he’ll lose his job before Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. does. The punishment nowhere fit the cri…THERE IS NO CRIME…there still isn’t proof that there was any crime.

Integrity my ass.

But again, you can google the Ted Wells report and in the words of Jim Miller of “Moving the Chains”, use it as toilet paper. Just don’t let the ink smear, it’s already done more than enough of that.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.