Being a Devout Catholic Lesbian: Driven to Depression by Her Family of Origin, Finding Relief With Her Lesbian Family
With the stench of alcohol pervading the dim space, the flirty “hostesses” take off their clothes, letting guests pour alcohol and sprinkle money on them. The money that sticks to their body becomes their tips. The more guests sprinkle, the more the hostesses earn.
To survive, Chloe had been silently putting up with such revolting behavior.
One day, as Chloe was working at the hostess bar as usual, a rival of one of the guests walked in and pointed a gun to her head, mistaking Chloe for the guest’s girlfriend.
This dramatic scene remains a vivid memory for the now 37-year-old Chloe.
Suffering from Depression her life as a lesbian
As the daughter of a chief of the indigenous Paiwan tribe in Taiwan, Chloe and her family receive a lot of attention from their people. If Chloe’s behavior in any way went against social expectations, a bombardment of gossip among their community would result. She was under considerable pressure, and even tried to hurt herself a few times before junior high school by drinking hydrochloric acid, hanging herself, or burning herself with a cigarette.
“I was like a bird trapped in a cage, prohibited from seeing the outside world. I felt too constrained.”
“Lesbian”was the biggest part of her identities that could not be accepted. After several unsuccessful attempts at suicide, her rebellious nature suddenly kicked in, and she opted to stand firm and resist this pressure.
At the age of 19, her mom found out she had secretly brought a female lover home. “As my mom yelled angrily at me, I just pointed to the tomboy standing in the closet, saying, ‘I just love her. I love girls. What else do you want from me?’” My mom couldn’t accept this and didn’t know what happened to her “genes”. She burst into angry tears on the spot.
Soon after, Chloe left home. Over the span of around a decade, she worked as a hostess, became an alcoholic, gave birth to a child, and even tried to settle down with a man. But, she did not find relief from her depression until she met the love of her life — Frankie, her same-sex partner who has embraced Chloe and her daughter.
A lesbian as well as a devout Catholic
Chloe was also facing a dilemma between her sexual orientation and religion. Fortunately, she encountered many people along the way who gave her guidance.
When she was in junior high school, there was a “small circle” formed by LGBT members in church where they discussed Catholic teachings and identity. “Before meeting them, I didn’t know so many people were gay,”said Chloe. They gathered together not only to help each other lessen a sense of guilt, but also to protect themselves from being bullied.
Speaking about sexual orientation, the priest once told her, “The law of survival is this — one man and one woman. But, if you love someone and don’t hurt others, there’s nothing wrong.”
“Every religion advises people to do good. LGBT members might violate the law of survival (one man and one woman), but we are kind people just like others. We also never forget our identity and religion,” Chloe added, “I’m a lesbian as well as a devout Catholic.”
Marriage life brings happiness
“Because of her, I once more feel that I have the right to love and be loved by others.” Frankie’s companionship gradually lifted Chloe’s depression. Regarding legal protection, both of them decided to spend the rest of their life with each other after same-sex marriage was legalized.
Before she married Frankie, Chloe asked her daughter how she felt. Her daughter said, “Mom, I’m happy if you are happy. Don’t ever let others tell you what you should do. Just be yourself.” This statement really touched Chloe. “She’s been through the times when I was depressed, so she is quite tolerant of me. She thinks that I have to be myself, and should not care about what her grandparents say.”
After marriage, who is the decision-maker in this small family of three people and one dog? With a joyful smile, Chloe said, “Frankie always discusses things, big or small, with me when it comes to our family, and gives me the floor. When at home, Frankie is just like a great dad taking good care of me, our daughter, and our daughter’s dog .”
In our family, Frankie is just like a manager who silently devotes herself to family. When we asked her, “Do you find it tough?, she didn’t reply. We then asked, “Or do you enjoy the toughness?” This time, she nodded her head with a smile.
Chloe expressed that many of her friends who haven’t yet dared come out still believe that there’s no need to change in their situation. But, she doesn’t think so.
“In my opinion, they probably just need ‘companionship’, but I’m looking for a ‘partner’. “
Previously being a hostess drinking with men and meeting their needs, Chloe had been struggling with an identity conflict for the first half of her life, becoming lost in temporary “companionship” and falling into depression. But, now she can declare with a smile, “Love belongs to everyone eventually. Now I have a happy life because I found a ‘partner’ in my life.”
Other articles in this issue
More a “Coach” Than a Dad: Being the Father of an Autistic Child
Jay is a boy with Autism, and his father quit to take care of him while his mother works as director at several construction spots. Check out this inspiring story and see how this family has strived for a living!
This article was originally written in Chinese by participants of Daping Reading Community, Lin Hui-en, Chang Tzu-yi, Chen Wei-chu, Huang Xin-ping, and Chen Yu-lin, who were high school students at the time of completion of the article.
