Amen
Everyone believes in something. Whether it a benevolent God, a selfless prophet or our rights as humans.
Belief if something that keeps us going, keeps us moving, enables us to pass from waning crescent to new moon.
Some people might call it motivation, others might call it a desire to succeed, or more aptly, a fear of failure. Coming into the exam period, belief, more specifically self belief, and motivation is something that has been lingering in the darkest crevices of my mind.
Belief is something I struggle with, and when attempting to revise for exams it is something that I’ve noticed more and more. Every mark lost feels like a punch in the gut. I know more than I think I do, but it still doesn’t feel like enough.
No matter how many hurdles left behind me on the track, I don’t feel any closer to the finish line; my feet like bricks sinking in a clay of stress, pressure and anxiety.
I always get told I’m negative, that I’m a pessimist, and I guess its true. From some angles, I’m just managing expectations. I think I’m going to fail, so when I pass its an achievement; when I score a goal, I’ve won the world cup. In truth, I’m my own worst enemy.
The only thing holding me back is the cage I’ve built around me; electric fence, barbed wire and all. I don’t know how to cut it down; I feel physically stuck in a eternal limbo between everything I’m doing and where I want to be.
My first exam is in less than 48 hours. I should feel lucky that I’ve got a few extra days to salvage what little marks I might be able to earn, but I don’t.
I started this talking about belief. I believe that we live on a line; that bad things happen, taking us below the line, and then good brings us back up.
I’m stuck on a plateau at the furthest from the line I’ve been, and its going to be like this for a few more weeks.
I need something, a sign, some form of motivation, something to keep me going so I can make it through these exams. No matter how hard I try, I can’t escape this feeling of hopelessness shackled around my feet, making each stride feel like a shuffle in gale force winds.
In 3 weeks it’ll be over, and I’ll never have to worry about them again.
This isn’t a cry for help, or a plea for some kind of guiding hand.
But if this is a prayer, then amen.
