Warcries (Women & War IV): I Was Once Homeless

Much of Warcries is more about the trauma of war after the war. This picture was taken at a time I thought was the lowest point in my life. Homelessness is an epidemic like none other because the scars never fade. Once you have to fight for your survival you always have the fear inside of you that you will have to do it again, and again, and again.

It’s a cruel, vicious circumstance. I don’t talk about it much. Because how many of you would understand that this picture is a picture of not my body but my soul? Can you see the beauty in my sadness?

I hear alot that I am tough. I have been told that so much that I almost believe it. I think that is why I have depression so much, people honestly believe that I can handle anything. Any wall, any obstacle. And when I can’t I’m fragile and of course useless. Too extremes. Two truths. But there’s no room for the other me’s and Shylah’s out there. There’s no room.

And that’s what I hate the most. The fact that I forget that I can smile. That there’s a me outside of the box of pain and guilt. That I deserve love and affection, compassion and loyalty. We all deserve the best — but it seems that sometimes we give our worst.

Hence why I keep this part of myself to myself. I don’t give it away, well not easily. I suppose that is what we call trust issues. Warcries is the pulp of a story of a woman who has trust issues.

Outside my neighbors are laughing. Some of me wants to go out and laugh, but I know I don’t belong. And I don’t belong because I know I don’t. It’s a catch 22. Today is a day for solitude. To live with my sadness and not push it away. To write these words and show this image and not feel as though I will be treated like a mental patient because I am sad. Not depressed, not devastated. Sad.

Depressed people that experience sadness are always considered a risk. I despise that truth. I can’t be happy for the world all of the time. Warcries opened up old wounds. Wounds familiar to the custody struggle I am going through now which is worse than the first time.

I want to see the blessings. But my vision is blocked by pain at the moment. Bare with me.

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