Alone by accident (part three of the non-existent kiss)

Linda Adams
Aug 22, 2017 · 5 min read

I was craving a frappe. Not typical of me, but it was a hotter than usual on Monday, August 31 and I took the day off. I decided to bike to the coffee shop that’s a bit further for walking and has ample space for sitting. I grabbed my laptop and decided to work on my writing. Louis was going to take a half day and we were going to meet mid-afternoon before dinner to hang out and spend the night by my place. It’d be the first time either of us would be sleeping at each other’s apartments and butterflies were already squirming around in my stomach out of excitement. I wore my super comfortable sleeveless denim jumper, put my thin bouncy hair in a bun and grabbed my back pack for the ride.

I arrived outside the shop and found a pole just out front to lock my bike when I saw him ten feet away. He stopped as if he was contemplating his approaching me. I finished locking my bike and decided to own up to the situation and be brave (more like prove to myself that the guilt that had actually manifested into a hand size tumor was actually the butterflies in my stomach of having Louis spend the night). Seconds would reveal its truth.

“Hey Anna”, he spoke first. He said my name; obviously not an issue for him. “Do you come here sometimes? I buy their whole beans. They roast their own, here at this facility, did you know?” he continued, referring to the coffee shop in question.

He seemed collected, whereas I found myself conjuring the non-existent moment we had shared in my head for a quarter of a minute. I was feeling weak. Not because I wanted him in that way, but because I knew the secret we shared and feared bringing it up. I didn’t want to change the subject. I didn’t think it was the best time either.

“Hey, um no, I don’t come here often and but I did know about the on-site roasting. I just wanted to do some writing.” I’m a feature writer for an online beauty focused newsletter website. I know I took the day off, but I actually do my best writing when I’m not in the office. I was only planning on writing for an hour.

It seemed like ten minutes passed before he responded with, “So, I’m actually glad I ran into you because I wanted to talk to you about ideas for Jane’s birthday.”

He’s always reached out to me before when planning a celebration for Jane’s birthday and I remembered last year he mentioned making it a surprise party this time around.

“Yeah, um, do you still want to make it a surprise?”

“Sure.”

“Okay, so when then?”

“Not sure. Can I text you a date sometime this week?”

The whole time we’d been talking, both of us had done a great job avoiding eye contact. It was becoming more obvious to me that he was probably feeling guilty too. Again, still not the best time to talk about it.

“Sure. I gotta go though. I’m meeting Louis at 3.” I began walking towards the door of the cafe just to inch myself away from the energy that was depleting me of everything good inside me.

“Cool. Talk soon Anna.” He went to hold the door for me when I lost my step from almost running into the customer with a hot drink tray that had just stepped out.

“Thanks.” I felt so clumsy and nervous. It was so awkard. I still couldn’t say his name. I walked up to the counter and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw his reflection outside in the mirror behind the barista. It was as if he was wondering if he should say something. I looked down, feeling a soft tear fall down my left cheek and I wiped it quickly. By the time I looked up, his reflection wasn’t there anymore.

I ordered my drink and paid with my card. I turned to my left to walk over to the back room where the couches existed. That’s when I saw him again. He was standing behind me with his hands in his long wavy sandy brown hair, rocking back and forth as if stumped — the words he wanted to say, he couldn’t.

He spoke up first, “Anna, I think we should talk.”

“I can’t right now. I have to be focused when writing and I’m gonna see Louis later. I don’t want to ruin the day. It’s our first long day together. He’s…..never mind. Can we please do it another day? I promise, I’ll reach out.” I wanted him to know that I agreed with his idea but today just wasn’t the day. A part of me really needed to be happy and take in the plans Louis and I had made. I know I was being selfish, but I also thought it would be good for me to shake off the encounter.

“Ok. But I have to ask. Are you not saying my name on purpose?”

I couldn’t believe it. He was the guy who never noticed if Jane colored her hair. He was the guy that always forgot that she liked sausage better than pepperoni on pizza. He was also the guy that forgot random details, like the building Jane worked at within Noble Square — because according to him they all looked alike in downtown.

I tried to say it, I couldn’t. I looked down. I answered, “No, I just can’t. Look, I have to go. I’ll be in touch.” I turned around and walked to the back room. I sat on the first couch I saw. I put my head into my hands and I cried, quietly.

I couldn’t write after that. They called out my order from the front and I grabbed it to go. I went outside to unlock my bike. I decided that I would have to rethink everything when I got home. I had to figure out what I should do. And I needed to do it fast.

I got on my bike, never knowing that he was across the street. He was watching me. He saw how upset I was. That’s when he realized that our secret was darker and deeper than he had realized. That forgetting wouldn’t be as easy as he thought.

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