Falling back (my latest battle with sadness)
I have a confession to make: I’m falling backwards and I’m not happy about it. It’s not as easy this time around to stay focused. It hasn’t been easy for me to stay organized either. And I started smoking again, as I’ve mentioned recently. Basically I feel like I’ve lost control and it’s taking every ounce of energy to keep moving. Giving myself little treats throughout the day (reading two chapters of a book, going to the coffee shop, having lunch with a friend) as much as I can while I am on my weekend. Anything that will help save my sanity for now, and my emotional being for always.
Do I feel like I’m falling down and not wanting to get up? No. I’m thankful I haven’t gotten this point, yet. But I feel as my body is moving through the motions of seeing things from the outside — outside of my body. I choose not react. That’s how my mind feels. I feel as if my anxiety is every hour of my day. I feel lost in a world that I don’t belong in nor do I want to be.
I feel as if the walls of willingness is closing in on my soul and I am not present to keep them up. I am not able to save myself. Therefore I feel helpless.
I pushed myself today. I did one exercise. I cleaned up the kitchen. I showered. I met a friend. I had lunch. I came back to pick up the kids. I made dinner. I am writing now…
That’s a good sign, right?
I can’t give up. I have to find a way to take deep breaths. I need to slow down. I need to do right by me. Whatever I can gather the strength to do. I must do it. I must try.
And maybe tomorrow will be a new day. Yes it will.