On a break (why I ignore Instagram every now and then)

Linda Adams
Aug 26, 2017 · 4 min read

I have a confession. I always wanted a third baby. When we were getting ready to start trying, my husband came home and announced the trading group he worked for was shutting down. Friday would be his last day; it was Tuesday.

Shocked was the best word to describe our initial response. I was in the process of acquiring a part-time job, but only for two days a week, handling the bookkeeping for a family owned restaurant. Our kids were very young, 3 and 1 — I was in no position to leave them, nor did I want to. I just wanted a part-time gig to get me out of the house for a few hours. Secondly, my husband’s income was very generous. We had lived well under his salary alone and soon it would disappear. Lastly, my plans to get pregnant again would have to be put on hold.

I was devastated. I wanted that third baby so bad and I wanted it at that time. I wanted all my kids to be two years apart. I had it all planned out in my mind. Our first two kids were not planned, although we were married when we conceived, but I wanted the experience of planning the pregnancy and sharing the journey with my both kids.

Fast forward, I never did have that third kid. I convinced myself that everything happens for a reason and it was not meant for our family. And having the struggles that we’ve had since then, both financially and emotionally, has taken tolls on us that we are still healing from.

It doesn’t make it easier though. I always think about my desire to have bore another baby for our family. I always envision them wandering around our home, having names chosen for either girl or boy. I daydream about it a lot.

A few months ago, I found out my step sister-in-law was pregnant with her third kid. I am not close to her, she’s my husband’s step sister and both families had a rough time assimilating when their parents married. For the most part, we’ve always gotten along. However to this day, I have not congratulated her. I just can’t. It bothers me too much. Call it my being selfish, but it’s how I really feel. Almost every other day, she posts a picture on Instagram of her bulging stomach and the transition of the pregnancy. That’s one of the reasons I can’t go on Instagram. I don’t want to be reminded of my one time chance of being in the same shoes. I have emotional issues that I struggle with and I have to choose me first.

I matter that much.

That’s just one thing though. I have learned in the last two years that I do have so much to be thankful for. I am merely being human when I admit something like this. My family and I have come a long way with the struggles we’ve faced and surviving them, one day at a time, gives me an immense feeling of gratitude that I always reflect on.

But it’s okay to not want to be reminded of what others have or what others do. We are fortunate enough to take one vacation a year, but I have yet to see Europe. And when I see pictures of those I follow in other countries, I sigh heavily, wondering when I’ll ever have a chance to see the same view, with my own eyes.

I have made a lot of bad choices when it came to money. I learned the hard way how that affected my family. As a result, we are repairing the roots of our foundation by surviving with less and living with more in our hearts.

I don’t need Instagram to remind me of what I thought was more important, or what looks glamourous. Don’t get me wrong, if I get a chance to visit Italy and I’ve saved the appropriate amount to travel the country that I have wanted to see for years then I’ll know deep in my heart, I earned it. I haven’t earned yet. One day, I hope I will.

Sometimes, people post things that are sad. That hurts to see too. It hurts because more often than not, you see the good in people’s lives versus the bad. The unfortunate is what life challenges us with. This is the part of our lives that makes us stronger and wiser. It’s the part of our lives that help us realize what really is most important. It’s the hardest part to showcase on social media when Instagram was designed to advertise success based on the way we measure it.

What is success? And who chooses to measure it? Is it ourselves? Others?

Think about it the next time you scroll down your feed. Think deep inside of what matters most to you and feed on that. Trust in the images that mean the most to you, not because you have to snap evidence of it.

I am guilty of these wars from time to time, but that is why I am writing on this now. It’s a reminder to myself and hopefully others, that life is not merited based on what you have to show for. Reflect on what you value as priceless such as your health, intangible such as happiness, irreplaceable such as your loved ones — a lot of which I take for granted, but know deep down inside, I am truly thankful for.

So take a break every now and then and soak in what surrounds you. Relish in the beauty of the view that only you hold and no one else. It’s okay to be ‘on a break’ every now and then. I actually believe, it’s what the doctor would order.

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Linda Adams

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Champagne. Words. Life.

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