Putting yourself first

Linda Adams
Jul 23, 2017 · 3 min read

I’ve been in plenty of relationships where I felt like I was the one putting the other party first. I was young, most of the time, and I thought being selfless was the way to someone’s heart. It ended up being the way to the end of the relationship. It has taken me a long time to realize that putting myself first is okay, as long as I understood the difference between being happy and comprising.

It’s not an easy skill to acquire. At least for someone like me who for the most part of my life has been a people pleaser. I liked being the friend who listened best and who dropped everything to be there for someone. But with the exception of one or two, no one reciprocated the same for me. Again, I felt like being the “best” friend was how to be right in a good relationship, but that wasn’t fair to me and I learned that the hard way.

Then there’s my ‘love” relationships. Talk about going above and beyond. My one boyfriend at the start of college topped this list. However, I have no one to blame but myself. I did everything for him. I finally ended it when I learned he was cheating on me with someone he referred to as his friend. Good riddance he was.

Then there was a short romance that carried a lot of intensity. Drawn initially to each other by way of mystery. We talked a lot in the beginning but we were both lost souls, him more than I. We both came out of sour relationships at the start of ours and probably one of the main reasons why we didn’t survive. I always felt like I cared for him more and even tried harder to make it work. In the end, I realized he just didn’t want me anymore.

I learned the most out of these relationships because it taught me a lot about myself. It taught me that I needed to put myself first and that was okay. If I needed to cancel plans when I felt overwhelmed — I did. Whereas before I would have sacrificed sleep for another friend. Nope, not anymore. I have to put myself first because in the end, I’m the only one who really cares the most about me.

Lately, I’ve been missing my ex-best friend. We were inseparable for ten years of my life. She was there when I gave birth to both my babies. She was always willing to go out when I needed a break. She answered my phone calls and we both shared endless stories of our dreams, thoughts and desires. We used to speak of what we’d do when we grew old. That we would travel the world as the coolest old ladies around. I remember that dream well.

Our relationship dissolved for reasons other than what I spoke of earlier. We had a falling out. I know she tried to apologize but an apology that follows with the word but is never one that sits well with me. So I couldn’t accept it. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did.

Friends are an integral part of our lives and one that I know personally, I couldn’t live without. But you don’t need a slew of them. It’s quality, not quantity that counts the most.

Make it count.

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