When you can’t take it back

I spoke with my cousin today. Someone who I once considered one of my best friends. We hadn’t spoken since last September. It was my doing, the not speaking, because I didn’t understand a decision he had made. And instead of dealing with it and being honest about my confusion, I avoided the situation altogether.

I was guilty of being passive aggressive and I wasn’t happy with myself about it.

A month ago I made up with a friend that I had selfishly and mistakenly accused of doing something that I took as a strike against me. I never discussed what actually happened, I took to silence because I didn’t want the confortation. It was me being passive aggressive again. It took me four years to realize I was in the wrong. I am thankful we reconnected and I had the chance to apologize for my actions.

But what about when you can’t take it back? When someone decides they don’t want to forgive you?

Life happens so fast sometimes. In this day and age we have to move faster and there’s never enough time. Social media images can be misinterpreted and don’t get me started on text dialogues…I would do anything to get back the days of old when we were all chill and nothing was taken out of context.

I am not making excuses, but in order to keep up, I believe I see things differently then I should half the time. I am so wrapped up in whatever is going on in my life that I never stop to think about what could be going on in someone else’s.

I am mostly embarrassed to admit that when I first got married, I had a falling out with another cousin of mine. Someone who used to look up to me and consider me like a sister, as I considered her. I butted my words into her business and again, without giving her a chance to explain, without giving us a chance to talk about it, without trying to see things her way, I played my passive aggressive card. As a result, I ended up losing 12 years plus time developing our relationship, and opted to draw a wedge between us. The saddest part about this is she became my sister-in-law and we didn’t speak to each other up until three years ago — when she accepted my apology.

I’m done being judgmental, assuming and inconsiderate. I needed the recent wake-up call when I realized I almost lost the third closest person in my life. And over what?

Life is too short. I am tired of holding grudges and thinking I know everyone’s life better cause I sure as heck don’t know mine. There is no room for judgements in my life anymore. I know that now for a fact. I want peace to surround me wherever I go. I want to be with people that feel comfortable around me and vice versa. I don’t want to risk another moment of when I can’t take it back.

This brings me to one more person in my life that I haven’t spoken to in years. This one is the hardest and I am working towards mending the scars of that separation. One day at a time, I tell myself. I promise this to myself that I will make it a priority to work on mending our ‘said’ past, or at least try to.

This is me being real. If I want the Medium community to trust my words and the subjects I write of then this is what I commit to doing.

I hope you will accept my faults and know that deep down inside, my intentions are good now. I mean no harm. And I vote for peace thru and thru.

Daily reminder to myself
My cousin and I, July 2016