Why my kids will always be first in my life

I was never the girl who named dolls or had them growing up for that matter. According to my sister, all I cared about was destroying hers. She was the one who loved dolls and took such delicate care of them. Not I. When my mom bought me my first barbie, I cut her hair and made her look the way I thought she should. Looking back now, I think it was my way of expressing my artistic side. I once wanted to be a hair stylist and I never agreed with the way designers depicted the blonde hairdos of the infamous toy. Even still, I’d overhear my sister complain to my mom that I had ruined my toy within a day of owning it. I just never cared for dolls. I always got bored easily with them.
When I became a young adult, I knew without a doubt my sister was born to be a mom. Me — not so much. I was spoiled a lot when I was young and as a result, I became a selfish person (something I wrote of recently). I just always wanted my own things, my own food and my own ‘me’ time. I was not good at sharing.
When I got married an x amount of years later, my spouse and I had decided to wait at least two years before getting pregnant. Four months after our wedding, I became just that. I was without words. I remember crying in my ob-gyn’s office, not feeling ready in the least bit for the child that was just a centimeter in size growing inside of me. He offered an alternative, but without even thinking, I stared back at him instantly and said, “I could never consider that.”
That baby changed me. That baby is my daughter who was born on September 7, 2001. Next month, my daughter will turn 16 and I am overwhelmed with emotion. She is my everything and I can’t believe that unconditional love changed me the way it did.
Why am I writing of this today? Because I just gave my notice at work last night when I found out they wouldn’t grant me my daughter’s birthday off. It wasn’t a funeral, otherwise they would have. Words can’t begin to describe what I’m feeling right now. Honestly, there are none.
It was an executive business decision. I can’t speak for their position because it is their own and they did what they had to do. In the same token, I must do the same.
You see, there’s more to the story. Personal things that surround my daughter that I do not wish to divulge, and frankly I don’t need to justify my standing up for what I believe is right in my heart. I’m her mom and a girl’s 16th birthday is one of utmost importance.
I began writing this post at 2 a.m. and continued it after trying to sleep. I feel sad yet somewhat relieved as well. It had been a source of stress waiting for the news, wondering if it would be an issue to take the day off. I’ve been in the industry for 13 years and I get the pressures and commitment that come with the position. I feel relieved because I know I gave my all. I know when I’m there I care the most of my role as a server.
But the role that reigns in my heart the most is my being a mom. That’s something I don’t expect anyone to understand or care if they don’t. It’s the most important thing that’s every happened to me.
I eventually learned that it was okay that I didn’t like dolls when I was growing up. It was okay that I had no idea how to care for a baby. When you become a mother, everything changes. Your maternal instinct kicks in and it’s as if the unknown doesn’t seem as scary anymore because all you know is that you will love that child unconditionally. There’s two pieces of advice I go by when it comes to motherhood:
Trust in your heart, it’ll know what the right thing is
Keep your eye on the ball
Nothing would have prepared me for what being a parent is all about. And I don’t expect anyone, such as my bosses, to understand unless they were one themselves. I don’t hold any grudges. I had a great experience in my role at work and I am thankful for the opportunity. But if I have to choose between my children or my job, my children will always come first. They mean the world to me and I have no qualms about this decision.
This story was not meant to vent, but to share my beliefs on motherhood. I am forgiving and I believe everything happens for a reason. I may not know what this reason is, but I feel content in my heart for choosing my family first.
