Transcript of Lauren Zalaznick’s remarks to The Chapin School graduating class of 2014, June 11 2014.

Good morning, esteemed faculty and families…

To Chairwoman Wise and the Board of Trustees…

Dr. Hayot and the Chapin administrative team…

Faculty and staff…

Family and friends of the graduates…

And, most importantly of all, to the outstanding Class of 2014:

Congratulations!

“It’s an honor to be standing up here today.

I know [you] all think that [you]’re immortal.

[You]’re supposed to feel that way. [You]’re graduating.

But, like [y]our brief four years in high school, what makes life valuable is that it doesn’t last forever…so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Make yours count for something.

Fight for what matters to you.”

Okay, if that sounds a little maudlin, a little trite… like words from a high school graduation speech scene in a movie—one that quite obviously portends some important events to come—you’re right!

Because that was Emma Stone, or actually her character, Gwyn Stacy, delivering her high school Valedictory speech, in the opening scene of this spring’s blockbuster, Spiderman 2.

It turns out that she is actually waiting for the hero, Peter Parker, aka Spiderman, to make his big entrance and ultimately save the day.

Today, I ask you to ask yourself… to ask of each other:

Am I — are we — waiting for our hero to make his entrance, to come save us?

Or are we confident that we can be the stars…

…the protagonists and heroines of our own great, epic stories;

…by and for ourselves as young women?

These are tough questions even to begin to answer.

Today, maybe I can share with you what I’ve learned from my own experience, as a daughter, sister, wife, partner, and career woman.

I’ve spent a lot of my life, academically, professionally and personally, thinking about the place and progress of women and girls in the world.

As you know, so did Miss Maria Bowen Chapin.

On Chapin’s public website, under the heading “Why An All-Girls School?” it reads:

“At a girls’ school, girls are the presidents and vice presidents of student government, they are the entire robotics team, and they are the first to have their hands raised to solve a quadratic equation…”

True: If there are only girls around you, there’s no chance for gender bias to sneak in to math class, or on to the soccer field.

But what happens when we are not the only players on the proverbial field?

In the “real world”—at most schools, definitely at work, and even at the family dinner table— there are boys, guys, dudes, men!

Allllll around!

“Hello, guys!!”

After such a successful school career, do you see yourselves, even next year in your college classes, in this “real world,” defined for today as “the one with guys in it,” with your hands shooting up in the air?

Answering questions?

Agreeing or disagreeing, with confidence?

Running for President?

Later on, asking for a raise, or a promotion, or being the boss?

Later, still, as an equal—a true equal—in any relationship you might have?

You might immediately think, “absolutely, yes!” or “oooh, no,” or “it depends.”

In my working life, I’ve definitely taken all three routes.

Mostly, I’ve gotten handsomely rewarded for raising my hand. Rarely, though definitely sometimes, I’ve been rebuked or even punished, for putting that hand in the air at the wrong time; or saying the wrong thing; or just plain making the wrong decision.

But to summarize the first thirty years of my post-academic life—it has been mostly fan-freakin’-tastic. And, like I said— sometimes tough. Once or twice, terrifying. But I’ve always been there to make the choices that put me in each situation. I’ve never taken myself out of the game.

It’s wrong for me to say what you should do, and impossible for me to predict what you will do, when the opportunities present themselves..

Some data tells us how it might play out. Good news!

Girls are great at going to school:

• We achieve earn higher GPA’s;
• graduate from college in higher numbers;
• earn more advanced degrees—like Masters and PhD’s;
• and even more professional degrees—like from Law, and Medical, and Business School.

School rewards using your brain and hard work. It also puts a premium on sitting still, being on time, and following rules. Lots and lots of rules.

What happens after our school careers end, and the rules change? When you’re rewarded for different things than you were trained for?

Well, here, the data is not so good.

Women enter the workforce in relatively equal numbers. But very quickly, we do not advance in equal numbers.

We are generally the last to be promoted from entry-level positions, no matter what the field, from Wal-Mart to Wall Street.

The number of women in upper management—founder, partner, or CEO positions in business, law, and tech—are fractional compared to their male counterparts.

Perhaps you see yourself in a more creative field?

Well, here, the numbers get even worse.:

Writers, Designers, Chefs, Artists, Filmmakers: Take a trip to your favorite restaurant, museum, or multiplex—the numbers speak for themselves, especially in the super-hero department! Out of the thirty-one feature films being released this summer by a major studio, not one is directed by a woman. Every field has close to the same dire statistics.

Look, I know this whole topic has been on your mind. I see the debate happening in my circles, and also yours.

Your role models, from Shailene Woodley, to Beyonce, to Tina Fey, Sheryl Sandberg, Carla Bruni, and Sandra Day O’Connor are all talking about it—on social media and on the pages of every single magazine, newspaper, and website in the country.

You’re talking about it: In April of this year, the cover story of your Chapin newspaper, The Limelight, was: “The F-bomb.”

No, Parents, not that F-word. That F-word isn’t news.

The full headline was “The F-bomb: The Stigma of Feminism.”

Oh… that F-word.

If that’s the headline, what’s the rest of the story?

Essentially, it’s that most people here at Chapin, and 82 percent across the country, don’t hesitate to espouse equality for women, defined as “whether men and women should be considered social, political, and economic equals.”

But, according to the article, only 20 percent consider themselves “feminists.”

For the record, I do equate equal rights for women with feminism. I have no issue—none—with labeling myself a feminist. It’s like being “labeled” an American, a parent, a Jew, or an oboist—all of which I am. There are all kinds of each one of “those kinds” of people. And there are people who hate — or certainly judge — each one of those kinds of people for simply brandishing the label. Well, maybe no one hates oboe players…

Look, I’m not here to recruit evangelize or proselytize.

I’m here to urge you to call on the resources that have been given to you by your families, your friends, and your education. In some cases, by way of great privilege, and for some, by great sacrifice. However you got here, use all that you’ve been given and gathered on your own to make the decisions that will make you happy and successful, for the long haul.

Like the website says, here at Chapin, a girl is always first to raise her hand.

But she’s also second, third, and last. Sometimes, she doesn’t raise her hand at all.

Yes, the robotics team is all girls, but not every girl is on the robotics team.

You get it: Some girls like books and some girls like sports. Some girls like to compete, and some don’t, or don’t allow themselves to.

Co-ed or not, that’s actually how it works. That’s the “real world.”

You’ll have to make your way and find your place, no matter who’s in the room.

It’s up to you: to explore, test, ask, demand, defend, resist, sit, stand, walk, run, protest, agree, help, whisper, shout, succeed, or screw up, lean in and sometimes hold back—all of which I hope you do.

But, you don’t have to wait for Peter Parker or anyone else, to start.

(Though, if you’re considering that option do—spoiler alert! —go see the movie and see how well it works out for Gwen Stacy in the end.)

Now, I will close… with someone else’s words, again.

In 1925, Miss Chapin recalled the challenges of the early years of The Chapin School For Girls.

She had, in her own words:

“struggled through a period of discouragement when members of each top class sufficiently large [enough]…to be interesting and profitable dropped off at the last moment to boarding school or other day schools because every mother became panic-stricken lest her darling should be left…on our…shore of the sea of knowledge. Then two courageous and industrious girls stayed on.”

Those two girls comprised the entire first graduating class of Miss Chapin’s School for Girls, one hundred and six years ago.

Miss Chapin, by the way, was an active, avowed member of the mother of all feminist movements, The Suffragettes.

She addressed those two girls at that inaugural commencement ceremony of 1908.

And I repeat it to you, emphatically:

“You have the responsibility…[to]…represent us in the world beyond school…by your attitude towards scholarship, and, still more, by your attitude towards the opportunities of your own lives.”

During the next four years, and for the many fast and full years to follow…

I ask you to learn and remember what it takes to put your hand in the air, in any room, of any size, full of any one.

I implore you to remember this:

It’s up to you, not who is next to you.

Congratulations, once again, on reaching this incredible milestone in your life’s journey.

I cannot wait to see where you go—and all you accomplish.

Thank you very much.