LC
LC
Aug 31, 2018 · 4 min read

Save yourself before you become it!

Yesterday, I had an uncomfortable conversation with my better half.It was a conversation that I ran away from. My mind tried to tell me it was not true and to deny it but a force higher than my mind took over and made me see the truth in it. Over the last two weeks, my life style had become a refined, heightened version of my life over the last 2 years. I was sleep walking through the days literally. Waking up late, ‘youtube videos’,being late to office, coming back without completing my work day, eating and sleeping. What was causing me to be so inspired? I have big plans in my mind but my life on a daily basis had no connection whatsoever to the big dreams

I found the answers

The first reason was my sleep. It started with a late night movie. Since then my bed time had become 2:00 AM to 8:30 AM. From waking up with the guilt of having woken up late to contemplating whether or not one needs to go to office, to locking myself up in the spare bedroom to catch a few more winks of sleep, to shout from behind the door in response to the maid’s declaration that she was done for the day, my routine was a mess. I would in another 2 hours decide that I needed to show up at work and then reach a few seconds later than the permissible ‘ late-in’ time to lose half a day of leave. Other days would be about reaching on time but feeling drowsy by after noon and hence returning without a swipe out. Hence losing a day of attendance in spite of being present for half a day.

The second reason was the office. We had recently shifted to a smaller office because of the company’s decision to do some major cost cutting. I had been allotted the worst seat. One with no privacy. The bathrooms at the new place were sub standard to add to my woes. I hated being there.

Another reason was , my general lack of clarity regarding my direction in life. Off late every life choice had become questionable. All the life choices had begun to look like blunders.

In my circle, I know some one. She is for me a template of what I fear that I might become. She is a grey area to even think about let alone right. Yesterday during the conversation with my spouse I heard those words ‘ Your life style has become just like ‘____________’.Those were the words that shut me down . I wanted to not exist. There I was sitting dressed exactly as she would be, unhealthy,uninspired. My conversation off late revolved only around gossip ( which I sugarcoated a well meaning thoughts) about a separated sister. How typical. I had become the template, the exact one of what I feared I would become.

I was always sick, with cold or cough , performed only average at work, had no circle of friends except for 1 or 2 over whatsapp. What shocked me was that even the kind of friendships that I maintained where unnervingly similar to the ones my template maintained. Friendships that were spurred on only by shared miseries.

In the process of being overtly indulgent about the details of my married life with my best friend ( another woman), I had somewhere along the line lost the sanctity of my connection with my husband. To make matters worse, I noticed that whenever my friend shared a problem of hers she expected that I share something from my end too. I had to recycle old problems to sometimes keep our conversations satiated.

It is time for a change. A change that is drastic has to happen. The only question is Can I trust myself ?Can I trust that I will make these changes? Can I trust myself to not indulge my mind’s whims and fancies of instant gratification? Can I trust myself to do the ground work? Can I trust myself to take up tasks that are uphill? I have failed in the past. Will this time be a repetition of the same?

This article is a commitment . A commitment to myself of the changes I will make. To write is sacred. I make a commitment in writing to move on and be the person I want to be. How? I shall write more about it in my next article.

LC

Written by

LC

Writing-the most reverent form of expression