The Problem With People-Pleasing
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I’m a big time people-pleaser.
I have a very hard time saying “no” to people and when my input is needed in choosing something, often times I say “whatever you like”.
Even when I do have an opinion in that matter I always say “I like this one better but it’s your choice so it’s really whatever you prefer”.
Here’s the problem with saying “whatever you prefer” — You don’t really help anyone!
First, you dismiss your own choice as if it didn’t matter. If someone ask for your opinion then you need to stand by your choice and be confident that it is a good one because if people ask for your opinion chances are they really value your opinion over theirs. They trust that you’ll make the right choice for them as they don’t seem to make that choice for themselves. So own your opinion!
Second, you are putting the choice on the person that asked you and chances are if they ask you that means that they don’t have a definite opinion or choice or preference. So you either choose an option or you find a fun little game to make a choice. For instance, if someone asks you where you want to eat, you can do “heads, mexican restaurant” and “tails, indian restaurant” that way a choice is made. Instead of saying “whatever you prefer” and have you both stand in the cold not really deciding on anything.
Hears another example of people pleasing, I work as a babysitter and sometimes the family asks me to do more hours because the parents are eating out with friends. I’ve said “yes” a couple of times, I actually never said “no” to them. I know that I can say “no” to them but I just cannot bring myself to say it. It has gotten to the point that one time the father texted me if I could stay over a little longer on a thursday and I was about to text back “yes”. But right before I could press “send” he texted me “you can say “no” we can find another person for that night” — My finger hovered over the send button. I paused. I was actually relieved because I was feeling kind of tired this week as I think that I was going to get sick pretty soon, so I erased my message and said that I wouldn’t be able to stay over longer that thursday. And that’s it. They found someone else, it was not a big deal and I could got to go back home and sleep early!
Moral of the story is that you cannot just say “yes” to people all the time! I know that people-pleasing is a hard thing to stop doing but we all have to. If it’s in your nature to try to help others then that’s great, we need more people like you but we also cannot have people-pleasing people that only want to please others so much that they forget to please themselves. You can’t forget about you! It’s nice to want to help and be there for other people but what’s the point if you completely forget about yourself? You cannot help others if you are not able to help yourself!
So think about yourself from time to time!
Try to see with yourself if you’re really up to help that person or be there for that person. That doesn’t make you selfish, that means that you also value your own time, opinion and health etc…
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