Photo by Elisabetta Foco

1 Year Alone

I have been living alone for more than a year now. Within this period, I learned to appreciate how much I really had back home and where I am now.

I miss the daily tasks I had before. I have already learned to embrace and accept these as a part of my routine. It’s going to be a while before I get to establish a new one.

I miss the comfort that monotony brings. Now, events in my life consist of bursts of happiness, sorrow, or depressing nothingness.

It’s harder to be happy here. It takes more effort because I’m not with the people I’m used to being happy with. Happiness doesn’t come naturally to me anymore. It has become more apparent here that if I don’t get out of my box, nothing good will happen to me. Living each day with that reality is scary.

I also have too much time. I’m not used to having no idea what I should do next. Each minute that slips by is another reminder of how much time and opportunity I am wasting. I am not used to having this much freedom. It’s frustrating not knowing how to make the most out of it.

People keep telling me that there’s always something that I can do to make the most out of my time. They list down all of the things that I could be doing right now instead of just staying inside my apartment. It’s frustrating because they don’t understand how difficult it really is to go out.

It’s difficult because I am a nobody here. That makes doing anything a bit more challenging compared to what I am used to. Eating breakfast is a bit more depressing because my family isn’t here to eat it with me. Going somewhere is a bit more scary because, past the city, I’m totally clueless as to where everything is. Having a decent place to sleep in carries with it a bit more responsibility because, now, I need to pay rent. Meeting new people is a bit more intimidating because it’s like they come from a different planet.

I’m trying really hard not to regret leaving home. I still think I made the right choice. I know this because I know how much of a brat I really am.

I always believed that I deserved more. And, to get more, I knew I had to let go of some stuff. The thing is, I handed these over without really counting how much value these had in my life. I was blinded with my childish desire to just get out and be somewhere different as soon as I can.

Although, I have to admit, the stuff I got in return turned out to be pretty cool. It’s the kind that I wouldn’t be able to get back home.

I got to work in a computer museum and organize a couple of gaming events. I also got to write for a couple of local magazines here. I think that’s pretty cool.

I get to hang out with a Brazilian friend as well as a Kiwi and Russian couple on a semi-regular basis. And, just the other day, I met a person from Manchester and spent the entire afternoon explaining all the stupid and endearing quirks my culture had. In exchange, he bought me dinner and offered to take me on his next hiking trip. That’s pretty cool too.

The weather isn’t as disgustingly humid as it is back home. Plus, the air is pretty damn fresh. That’s cool as well.

Finally, I get to do what I want, when I want. I just need to be more ballsy about stuff, which I’m working on at the moment.

I still think I gave away too much compared to what I was able to get this past year. However, it’s still too early to cash my chips in and walk away.

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