A poor start to the day

Drinking at midday feels to be the most viable path through today. It’s not a great sign. Doubly so given I spent some effort to conceal my activities. But fuck it. Warning signs be damned. I’m prepared to foist that set of consequences onto ‘future me’. I welcome some respite from the increasing feelings of uneasiness that have become all to familiar.

Of more immediate concern is something social. I’ve never been one to rely on interactions with others. While I do enjoy the company of a few people, I’ve always been quite comfortable with time spent alone.

Until ‘they’ came along. It’s interesting in hindsight how relationships progress. At first I was indifferent; they were a newcomer into an insular group. Then I was curious; they were a reflection of my struggles and circumstances, and a capable expression of what I wanted to be. Then I was familiar; interactions were a way to complete my day.

And then…

I’m somebody who is trivially described as socially inept (made obvious by the outreach on the anonymous internet as opposed to existing social circles). I’m struggling with how one approaches a situation where there’s an obvious attraction to a friend, but with the complication of an extant long term relationship…

The immediate idea of reducing my exposure and contact to them is just as immediately discarded. Their well-being is important to me, and selfishly they contribute disproportionately to mine. After a short period of introspection I’m just as selfishly invested in my current relationship.

Gathering more information is, in an academic sense, my typical way forward; reducing the unknowns gives greater power for decisions. However given the specificity of my concerns the very act of raising questions, or even the existence of a question, is sufficient to divulge all my secrets. Which would be… not great…

So I sit here, day-drinking, and contemplating my way forward.

I think I will continue this writing exercise as a way to organise my thoughts. I’m sure this tiny voice amongst the raging mass of the internet won’t amount to much, but it does feel like an unambiguously ill-considered concept. Fuck it, I guess we’ll see how it all pans out…

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