Dear Gerber Life Insurance: Go Shit in Your Hat

Everyone worries about their children’s futures. We start worrying before they’re even born. We worry about their health, whether or not they will be successful, if they’ll marry, and we worry about giving them a good financial start before sending them off into the big, bad world some day in the not as far off as we’d like future. The last worry is why I bit when I saw the Gerber Life Insurance ad in one of my many many many baby magazines.

It’s now 11 years later. I’ve been a faithful customer, keeping my daughter’s policy current even when my husband and I didn’t have a square of paper between the two of us to wipe our asses with. Times are better now so I decided to take Gerber Life up on one of their 50 (probably) offers to double my child’s life insurance for a very minimal premium rate raise. I paid the extra amount with my regular bill as instructed on my payment stub. I waited, and waited, and waited some more to receive the expected policy change information. I’ve never been accused of being patient so I started digging around my account online. Hmmm. Gerber applied the slightly less than double payment to my daughter’s policy as two separate monthly payments with no coverage increase. That’s strange. I’ll have to call later. When later came, I had finally received something from Gerber Life. It was a letter rejecting my request for additional coverage for my child due to her type one diabetes diagnosis two years prior. Their (nearly) exact words were:

We’re sorry, but you are already receiving the maximum amount of coverage that we allow for a policy holder with the condition listed below (insert T1D).

My daughter not being at home at the time, I was free to stare at the letter and yell “Are you fucking kidding me?! Are you fucking.. kidding me? You raging sacks of shit!” I was floored, and outraged, and hurt. I wanted to cry while punching the nearest available scapegoat in the face. How DARE they? How fucking dare they reject my request to buy additional safety and security for my well deserving baby. It felt like nothing short of discrimination. Even though it should be, I knew it wasn’t illegal, but it was certainly fucking immoral.

To add insult to injury, Gerber Life Insurance doesn’t even have the decency to keep track of their brutal rejections. I still get mailers from them, at least monthly, with applications for additional coverage. I tried that already assholes. You told me to piss up a rope, remember?

The best was getting this email right before Mother’s Day. Gerber Life, instead of sending me emails with counterfeit wishes for a lovely Mother’s Day, how about you stop soliciting to someone you’ve already rejected? How about you stop cluttering my recycling bin with policy upgrade applications you won’t approve? How about you go shit in your hat?