A little less than a year ago I was finishing my 6–8 month partial T-transition and I felt like I had finally become comfortable with my identity as a trans man.

Now a year later I’ve started feeling surprised when people associate me with maleness and doubting my identity. I feel like I don’t fit anywhere. Not in a non-binary sense, in a dysphoric sense. I am fairly certain that it’s the constant negativity towards masculinity and maleness that I’m surrounded by on a daily basis. Masculinity that I don’t associate with and negativity that I often feel compelled to share in.

It even feels right to share in it- after all growing up afab has given me a lot of similarly disdainful perspectives… but now it’s like that negativity has taken root in my mind where my identity was sitting comfortably last year, and now when I’m referred to as ‘he’ or ‘boyfriend’ it feels weird and distorted like the joy that that brought me has been replaced with dishonesty and fear and uncertainty and guilt and isolation. Like despite all the support I’ve been given in my coming out, I’ve somehow pushed myself back inside the closet. It sucks and I don’t know how to explain it… or what to do about it.