Let’s Get Personal

Here’s A Bunch Of Stuff I’ve Never Told You

Lauren Evans
Apr 25, 2018 · 7 min read
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Image for post
NOT ME — by Jurica Koletić on Unsplash. I was going to use a photo of me but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Inspired by the super talented Kris Gage

Very recently I told you:

I came into the world of blogging through WordPress. I followed bloggers who wrote about their thoughts and feelings, who discussed what had happened to them on any particular day and their reaction to those events. I read diaries of the anonymous. I read humour, sadness, hope.

(read the full article here)

And then I happen to stumble across (okay, not stumble, more like read several of Kris Gage’s wonderful articles), a get-to-know me listicle which was so well-written and interesting, that I thought; “why the fuck am I not doing that? Imagine how freeing that is going to feel!”

So here I am, spilling the beans, serving the T (or whatever).

Here’s 10 things I haven’t told you:

1. I’ve always been a bit fake.

As a young kid, maybe 5 years old, I realised that funny people made friends. I’d watched enough TV shows to know that the funny characters in the cartoons I watched were the ones that the other characters really liked, let alone the audience at home.

So one day in art class, I remembered this funny=friends equation and also remembered something funny I had seen a cartoon do. I carried on with my work but simultaneously made a funny “concentration” face by sticking my tongue out in an exaggerated way. It got a few giggles once one of my classmates noticed, so I suppose it was a success.

That funny=friends never really left me, and I continued trying to be funny for a long time (you could even say that I never stopped trying). Thankfully, good old reliable TV kept teaching me it’s funny ways and I acquired a decent sense of humour.

Funnily enough (pun intended), I still do that silly “concentration” face when I am actually concentrating or doing something kind of difficult. It has become an embarrassment for me, though thankfully, my partner thinks it’s cute.

2. I adore hand-written letters or hand-made cards.


I currently have two pen-pals; one in London who is also my best friend, and one in California who when I found out she was moving across the pond, I was super bummed out about even though I hadn’t — and still haven’t — met her IRL.

I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to receive cards or letters or postcards from them every now and again. I wish I had more pen-pals* so that I received a new card every single day.

*= Wanna be pen-pals?

I remember an old pen-pal of mine once said how they loved the art of writing letters, because once you commit to what you are writing, it isn’t as easy to change your mind. You either go with it or you scribble it out (which most people would avoid like the plague because hello, they are grown ups who have grown up handwriting skills so it HAS TO look neat), and I like that about hand-written stuff.

3. I think Harry Potter is a complete twat most of the time.

Have you read the books though? Have you seen the films?

He’s got to be the most unlikable character in the entire series of books, and yes, I’m including Dobby, Voldermort, Malfoy (Draco and Lucius), Crabb, Goyle and Professor Umbridge in my considerations for worst character.

Harry is a entitled little hot-headed selfish twazzock. Don’t @ me. (Or do, cos I like comments).

4. For a moment there I thought I had invented the word ‘twazzock’.

Only because when I asked my partner how to spell it, he had never heard of the word ‘twazzock’ before, so we had to quickly Google it.

5. My anxiety and imagination are a horrific combination.

As a new mother my anxiety has peaked, and when my little 5 month old is sleeping in her room, after a while, on the odd occasion, I think that she’s about to be attacked or killed by a demon.

Seriously, this is what goes on in my mind.

At the time of my imagination dreaming up this horrible, black-shadow-like demon, it feels like such a strong belief — as if I couldn’t possibly be wrong. Then I start to think that the demon knows that I know about it, so will come after me next.

To be honest, if a demon like that was to take my daughter, I would welcome that demon with open arms if it wanted to take me next. I simply couldn’t bare to live any more.

6. I can change the tone of an article like that! -clicks fingers-

Going from point numbers 3 and 4 to point number 5! What an emotional rollercoaster. Twazzocks to demons? Whatever next.**

**= Keep reading to find out.

7. I didn’t realise that eyelashes were hair until a few years ago.

I thought that eyelashes were just that — eyelashes, something completely different (but similar to I’ll give you that) hair.

I also believed that spies weren’t real until a very late age (21). In my defence though, I had only ever seen spies as James Bond or Spy Kids, so…

8. I only started reading books for fun in my twenties.

I had always enjoyed English class at school. I was particularly good at writing stories and writing really fast (once there was a race and yes, I did win). I liked books but I didn’t love them, not as I love them now anyway.

Now I get excited by the thought of a new book. I love the smell of books (both new and old). I love making lists of books that I want to read. I love recording the books I have read in my journals with an accompanying star rating (most recently it was How To Stop Time by Matt Haig, 2 stars — I wasn’t much of a fan of it).

One big regret of mine is not getting into books earlier in life. Would my life be different if I had read Sylvia Plath when I was a teenager? Would I have been a more educated, more well-rounded person if I had been introduced to more powerful female writers at a younger age? Would I have realised that telling stories for a living could be a possibility for me, instead of not having a clue until I was in my early twenties? Maybe.

9. I do lots of ‘mum’ things now.

Bit of a ‘no shit Sherlock’ point to make but true nonetheless.

‘Mum’ things I do now include:

  • Continuing to wear clothes for the rest of the day even though they are covered in spit up/ baby food stains.
  • Needing a glass (or three) of wine each evening but only having a small one on the odd occasion because a) I’m still breastfeeding and b) I’m super poor.
  • Whipping my nipple out in public and not giving a fuck because my baby needs to be fed and breast milk is free bitch!
  • Attending a baby/toddler group on Thursday mornings at the local church and consciously trying to make an effort about how I look in front of the other mums, so that it looks like I just might have my shit together.
  • Having a phone FILLED TO THE BRIM of baby photos. (Seriously my phone keeps telling me that it has no memory left and yet I just keep snapping away. I’ve never taken this many photos in my life).
  • Doing the laundry every fucking day (it feels like) because my baby not only spits up on me but also herself and her dad.
  • Putting my daughter’s favourite TV show on (yes she already has one at 5 months old) so that I can go pee in peace.

10. I’m currently trying to achieve lots of my goals all at once.

Not only am I mothering a small infant but I have decided to make lots of things happen:

I have started a copywriting business with my partner Eddy. Please check us out and/or hire us, we’re quite good.

I am putting together a little series of zines and setting up an Etsy shop. The first one has the topic of SEX.

I am going to start a #mentalhealthformums group in a local cafe, and perhaps as some sort of Twitter chat every week or so.

I want to give back a bit more and so am going to start raising more awareness for image-based sexual abuse (or as you may know it, ‘Revenge Porn’, though it’s a completely inappropriate term for it, but that’s another article in itself). I am doing this because back in August 2015, I found out that I was a victim. It was horrible and completely derailed my life, but thankfully I found the support I needed to help me, and I’d like to help others find the support that they may feel too ‘ashamed’ to seek.

No wonder I have an eye-twitch from stress.

So that’s my list of things I hadn’t told you yet, but now I have. What do you think?

Please do tag me or let me know if this makes you feel like sharing something of a similar nature, I would love to read it, I fucking love this kind of shit.

Also find my other writings on my blog, This Stuff Is Golden.

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